The Humorless Twit’s Time Management 101 | November 2010


If you’re the one who actually reads my column, thanks. You’ve seen me lament numerous times on these pages how busy I am and how it’s only getting worse. Because I never seem to have time for myself—not even in the sanctity of my sanctuary, the john—I’ve become a masterful multi-tasker (or as some put it, multi-slacker).

You see, I’m married, we have a toddler, I have a dog (notice how I wrote WE have a toddler but I have a dog… don’t ask why…), I have a side business in addition to my full-time day job (which entails a daily commute that’s just shy of an hour, each way), and my hobby is “sleeping.”

My new favorite pastime (besides the previously mentioned “sleep”) is quickly becoming blowing everything and everybody off and playing with my young son, who can only babble yet makes more sense than 99 percent of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis.

It takes a lot to be able to do as much as I do in a day, which explains why I don’t so much fall asleep as I pass out when I hit the bed. So, for those of you who are as pressed for time as I am—or maybe you’re more pressed for time than I am—I offer the following tips for time management. If you think you don’t have time now, just wait, the holidays are coming. So make sure to, ahem, make some time and read my tips below.

TIME MANAGEMENT TIP #1: Use mass transit for your commute. I ride the train to work nearly every day and I bring my laptop along so I can play games and goof off, er, I mean, work and do productive stuff like write this column.

TIME MANAGEMENT TIP #2: Use disposable stuff. The greenies and environmentalists among you are going to want to kill me. But I use disposable plates, forks, spoons, etc. as much as I can. The good news is, I rarely can. My wife usually serves me my food and she absolutely HATES using paper plates and the like (and she hates to see me use them, too, so she doesn’t let me). She’ll serve herself two small bites of something dainty for a snack and she’ll use all the silverware in the house and half the plates.

Me, I hate washing dishes. My food choices are not based on what I’m in the mood for, but rather whatever requires the most minimal usage of utensils and cookware to make and eat. I’m the kind of guy who waits for food to get down to one serving in the fridge then I eat out of the container. Without a fork or spoon.

TIME MANAGEMENT TIP #3: Brush your teeth while you’re, ahem, otherwise occupied in the john. I brush my teeth while I… I’ll spare you the details. I’ve also been known to walk around the house and do chores with one hand as I brush with the other.

TIME MANAGEMENT TIP #4: Make phone calls while you’re, ahem, otherwise occupied in the john. You can return phone calls to people who annoy you while you’re on the pot, like I do. Family, in-laws, bill collectors, irritating acquaintances who want desperately to be promoted to “friend,” etc. Just be sure there isn’t an obvious porcelain echo when you talk.

TIME MANAGEMENT TIP #5: Eat while you’re, ahem, otherwise occupied in the john. Okay, I admit this one’s so gross even I don’t do it. But it sure sounds like an efficient use of time, doesn’t it? And if you stay in the john long enough after eating… okay, forget I wrote that.

TIME MANAGEMENT TIP #6: Sleep while you write your Flamenco column. I do this one all the time. Kind of obvious, huh? As a matter of fact, as I write thmsl acm mxzkxx .x lx z l. . iadc98WEFJW