The Humorless Twit’s Aunt Stabby Takes A Stab—Oops, Poor Choice Of Words—At Writing His Column | May 2010

Aunt Stabby

Aunt Stabby

Mug shot of The Humorless Twit's Aunt Stabby

Of all my obnoxious aunts (and relatives in general, for that matter), there’s one I avoid not out of annoyance and irritation, but rather sheer terror and fear.

She’s my Aunt Stabby. When she contacted me recently, the hair on the back of my neck didn’t just go up—it went wild.

You see, Aunt Stabby is in prison for life for… stabbing her live-in boyfriend to death. Because he snored. Don’t get me started on her former boyfriends, a few of whom went missing and she was the last known person to see them alive…

To make a long story short, she’s a big-time misandrist.

Anyway, she threatened my life if I didn’t let her write a column for me requested to fill in for me this month and I for fear of my life agreed.

Now that you know about her, don’t say you haven’t been warned…

DEAR STABBY: I met this man through the mail. He is wonderful. I get to visit him once a month, send him money and do all kinds of stuff for him.

The problem, Stabby, is his warden. You see, he refuses to allow me to visit my beau more often, and let me not even get started on conjugal visits which he has absolutely forbidden!

Oh Stabby, what should I do? LOVER IN LOXAHATCHEE

DEAR LOSER IN LA-LA LAND: Ditch his sorry (Twit’s note: censored! This IS a family publication, you know). He’s playing you for a chump. I know, I’m in the hoosegow myself, I know a chump when I see one. Matter of fact, why not send ME some money?

DEAR STABBY: I was two weeks away from getting married. Everything was beautifully planned—it was going to be a fairy tale wedding. But then I caught my fiancee cheating on me with my bridesmaid! Can you help me, Stabby? DESPONDENT IN DAYTON

DEAR DESPERATE DUMB (Twit’s note: censored again!) IN DAYTON: You want me to send someone to take care of him for you? Just let me know, I have peeps.

Better still, you can do it yourself. Tie him up and make it nice and slow and painful. Start with his (Twit’s note: censored yet again).

That ought to do the trick and I guarantee you he’ll never cheat on anyone again, ever.

DEAR STABBY: I’m a 38-year old married man, father to three lovely children and a successful businessman. I work hard to provide for my family and to give my wife everything she wants. I’ve always been faithful to my wife, even during the year when she was recovering from cancer. In short, I’ve been told I’m the ideal husband (by female friends, but not my own wife).

Suddenly last month, my wife left with the kids and is suing me for divorce, demanding a ton of money for both child support and alimony. After everything we’ve been through, now this. What can I do to bring her and my kids back? SAD AND LONELY IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR STUPID (Twit’s note: here we go again) LAMEBRAIN IN SACRAMENTO: Boy, what a sucker you are. You got played and you don’t even see it! You sound like my late old man. Too bad she didn’t do you the way I did mine. In fact, I think all women should (Twit’s note: censored, too crude) their men, take their money and run. I hope she does that to you and you have a huge life insurance policy and she gets it all.

And that, my dear readers, is about as much as I can stomach of my Aunt Stabby. Now you know why she’s the black sheep of the family. It’ll be a loooooooooong time (like, 25 to life) before I let her waste this precious space again!

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