The Humorless Twit’s Recipe for Disaster | May 2009


My wife recently gave birth to our first child, a wonderful baby boy. If you want to see a pic or two, visit the Shutterfly website I created just for the baby’s pictures at and feel free to post a comment while you’re there!

Last month I let my dear Aunt Flabby “guest” write my column and she offered a number of her recipes, which inspired me to want to do something similar. At the same time, hurricane season is near and I wanted to provide some type of public service (all right, you can quit laughing now).

So I thought, why not provide a recipe using foods that could go bad in your freezer, with the idea that you could make this recipe as a hurricane heads our way? To make it user friendly, I could include instructions that reflect how I actually work in the kitchen, with far greater detail than you’d find in most recipes and cookbooks. After giving it a great deal of thought for, oh, two seconds, I thought, why not? And so I proudly present…

The Humorless Twit’s Shepherd’s Pie Recipe

2 lbs. of potatoes
1/3 cup milk
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 lb. ground beef
8 oz. frozen pearl onions
8 oz. frozen sliced carrots
8 oz. chopped broccoli or chopped broccoli/cauliflower mix
8 oz. frozen peas
2 cloves garlic
1/2 can (between 14 and 16 oz.) of diced tomatoes
2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
1 tsp. Italian seasoning or spice mix
1 tsp. cornstarch
1/4 cup apple juice

1. Peel and dice potatoes.
2. Cut finger, bleed on potatoes, curse, bandage finger.
3. Rinse potatoes.
4. Place potatoes in a pot.
5. Add cold water to cover.
6. Bring to a boil over high heat.
7. Bandage catches fire, burning cut finger; curse up a storm.
8. Put out burning bandage, replace with fresh bandage.
9. After potatoes start to boil, reduce heat to medium.
10. Boil potatoes 15 minutes or until tender.
11. Re-burn finger on hot stove while removing boiled potatoes; curse up a storm.
12. Drain pot, spill hot, boiling water on bandaged, re-burned finger; curse up a storm.
13. Dump potatoes into a large bowl, add milk and Parmesan cheese.
14. Accidentally spill Parmesan cheese onto recently mopped floor; curse up another storm.
15. Measure 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese again, sprinkle onto potatoes.
16. With a fork or potato masher, mash potatoes until smooth.
17. Accidently smash burnt cut finger with potato masher; curse up yet another storm.
18. Spray non-stick cooking spray onto a large no-stick skillet or pot.
19. Overspray onto eyeglasses; curse up still another storm.
20. Clean eyeglasses, then place skillet (or pot) over medium heat.
21. Mince garlic.
22. Cut another finger; again curse up a storm.
23. After skillet heats up, place the following ingredients into it: minced garlic, ground beef, frozen pearl onions, frozen carrots and frozen broccoli (or broccoli/cauliflower mix).
24. Stir beef and vegetable mixture frequently, cook until beef is browned (approximately 5 minutes).
25. Dog runs into kitchen, startles chef who spills half the beef/vegetable mixture onto the previously clean floor.
26. Dog rejoices and chows down; chef curses up a storm yet again.
27. Bend over to clean up floor, stand up and smack head against skillet handle, knocking remaining beef/vegetable mixture onto stove burner.
28. Chef curses up a storm one more time as stove starts smoking and smoke detector goes off with a deafening blast.
29. Chef unknowingly had an additional burner on, with the bowl of mashed potatoes on top.
30. Mashed potatoes burn and stick to bowl.
31. Chef curses up the verbal equivalent of Hurricanes Katrina and Andrew, combined.
32. Scrape up the mess from the stove and the floor and toss everything into the garbage.
33. Call 1-800-PIZZA-DELIVERY for dinner.

Serves four, depending on size of pizza ordered.