The Humorless Twit’s Aunt Flabby Loves Gobbling Turkey | November 2009


Happy Thanksgiving Day! Now go and eat your turkey before my Aunt Flabby finds it and eats it for you.

My Aunt Flabby once again threatened to eat me out of house and home literally if I didn’t let her guest write a column for me twisted my arm to guest-write the column for me for Thanksgiving, her favorite holiday (for obvious reasons). So here go some more embarassing disclosures about my embarassing family…

If you ever make the mistake of inviting Aunt Flabby over for Thanksgiving dinner, you'll be lucky if you have this much turkey left after she's done with it.

If you ever make the mistake of inviting Aunt Flabby over for Thanksgiving dinner, you'll be lucky if you have this much turkey left after she's done with it.

I love Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday because of all the good food I, er, I mean, we get to eat, all the family getting together, all the food we get to eat, the football games, all the food we get to eat, the smell of fall in the air, the smell of food in the air, and, oh, did I mention all the food we get to eat?

My favorite Thanksgiving food is… well, I love ALL of it! The turkey—I love the breast, the wings, the thigh and the drumstick (Twit’s note: Make that drumsticks—plural, Aunt Flabby. You put Henry VIII to shame. And speaking of turkey, we usually have to make three of them each year: two for you and one for the rest of us).

The mashed potatoes and gravy. The sweet potatoes. Oh, boy, do I love potatoes (Twit’s note: What a surprise, you’re a couch potato!). The stuffing (Twit’s note: You mean, the stuffing of your face?). The cranberry sauce. Oh my goodness, I’m working up an appetite just thinking about all this scrumptious food. I think I’m going to take a break now and have a snack.

Okay, I’m back. What a delicious snack, a “Starving Dude” frozen dinner of what else, turkey, gravy, stuffing, and mashed potatoes!

Now, where were we? Oh yes, dessert! And then there are pumpkin pie—with whipped cream, of course (Twit’s note: Of course! In fact, enough whipped cream to make one full dinner course by itself!)—pecan pie and sweet potato pie (Twit’s note: Two years ago, Aunt Flabby had all three for dessert. No, I don’t mean a slice of each type of pie. I mean THREE ENTIRE PIES!!!!).

Well, in fairness, Thanksgiving is a holiday where we give thanks for everything we have. I’m always thankful for the food, not just on Thanksgiving but every day of the year. Mmm, I LOVE food and I love eating. Oh gosh, I’m making myself hungry again. Time for another snack! Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back!

Mmmm, those Mrs. Schmidt’s pumpkin pies were delish! Okay, I’m back. Well, I must say I’m also thankful for my family. They are wonderful (Twit’s note: Wonderful COOKS, you mean?). Every time we get together we eat! Needless to say, I love our family get togethers. Oh, there’s nothing like Aunt Crabby’s stuffing. Or Aunts Gabby and Blabby’s mashed potatoes and gravy. Or Aunt Drabby’s beet casserole (Twit’s note: Yuck! I hate beets!). Or Aunt Tabby’s fabulous pumpkin, sweet potato and pecan pies. Or my nephew’s, The Humorless Twit, juicy turkey!

Just thinking about all that delicious food makes me wish it was Thanksgiving already. In fact, I wish it was Thanksgiving every day! Aw heck, I gotta wrap up this column. I’m going to the grocery store to buy myself a whole Thanksgiving dinner for my dinner tonight. I can’t wait! I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving and make sure to leave some food for me!