The Humorless Twit’s Annual Holiday Song Parody Special–With A Twist | December 2008

 

Why are we always complaining that we don’t have time? Well, we’ve been working on a major website project, that’s why. It’s not exactly related to The Humorless Twit, but if you’re a parent or grandparent, you might like it. It’s a website that offers free printable coloring pages for your kids and grandkids and I expect to have the holiday-themed (Chanukkah and Christmas) pages ready by the time you get this. Visit Coloring.US.Com to see the website. And–if time allows–we’re hoping to have a revamped TheHumorlessTwit.Com ready soon as well.



Once again, we humbly present our annual holiday song parody special. Only this year, after much nagging, my Aunt Flabby will take over and do her favorite holiday songs. You might recall–or then again, you might not (and who could blame you)–we first introduced Aunt Flabby in the May 2007 issue of Flamenco.

So, here goes and don’t say we didn’t warn you first…

Aunt Flabby on a bicycle she got for Christmas a few years ago

Aunt Flabby on a bicycle she got for Christmas a few years ago

Ladle, Ladle, Ladle (sing to the tune of “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel”)

I have a hefty ladle
It’s made of stainless steel
And when I’m feeling hungry
I’ll use it to serve me a meal

CHORUS:
Oh – ladle, ladle, ladle
It’s made of stainless steel
And when I’m feeling hungry
I’ll use it to serve me a meal

It has a generous bowl
With a handle short and thin
My ladle’s so humongous
It’s why I have 10 chins!

CHORUS

My ladle’s full, then empty
Direct from it I’ll eat
I couldn’t wait to serve myself
It’s time for a repeat!

CHORUS

Christmas Food (Sing to the tune of “The Christmas Song”)

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Microwaveable pizza bites
Yule-tide foods being cooked by Aunt Crabby
And me eating everything in sight.

Everybody knows a turkey
and some cranberry sauce
Help to make the season bright
Tater tots with ketchup and salt
I’ll be eating well tonight.

I know Aunt Crabby’s not that far
She’s loaded lots of food
and goodies in her car
Nuts and cheese, and pies and cakes and chips,
Cookies, eggnog
and of course her famous spinach dip.

And so I’m offering this simple phrase
To hungry folks from one to ninety-two
Although I’ve been fed
many times, many ways
Merry eating to you!

Eating in a Holiday Wonderland (Sing to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Dinner bell rings, are you listening,
on the table, the turkey’s skin is glistening
A beautiful sight,
my belly’s happy tonight,
eating in a holiday wonderland.

Gone away are the veggies,
here to stay are the goodies
They’re loaded with fat,
what’s wrong with that?
Eating in a winter wonderland.

In the kitchen we’ll bake a gingerbread man,
Then pretend that he is Wolfgang Puck
He’ll ask: Are you hungry?
we’ll say: yes man,
So won’t you make some
turkey, goose and duck?

Later on, we’ll conspire,
as we toast marshmallows by the fire
To eat some more treats,
pastries and sweets,
eating in a winter wonderland.

In the kitchen we’ll bake a gingerbread man,
and pretend he’s made of liverwurst
We’ll have fun with mister gingerbread man,
unless the other kids eat him first.

When pies bake, the whole house smells nice,
of cherries and apples and pumpkin spice,
We’ll eat and we’ll eat, all the yummy treats,
eating in a winter wonderland.

Eating in a winter wonderland,
eating in a winter wonderland.

Hungry Christmas (Sing to the tune of “Blue Christmas”)

I’ll have a hungry Christmas without food;
I’ll be so hungry thinking about food.
I’ve been put on a diet
and told to eat nothing but greens
So close to Christmas
My doctor is so mean!

I’ll have a hungry Christmas, I’m grumbling;
And I can hear my stomach’s loud rumblings,
I’ll be staring all night
at my refrigerator of white,
But I’ll have a hungry, hungry Christmas.