You knew it was a matter of time before we’d break our promise not to talk about politics in this space. But with presidential campaigns in full swing, there is just too much comedic material to let this once-in-every-four-years opportunity pass without the usual litany of cheap shots, mudslinging, satire and the like. But enough about negative campaign ads from the candidates themselves.
So, we hereby introduce to you The Humorless Twit’s Official 2008 Presidential Primary Quiz to test your patience, er, we mean knowledge of the primary process…
1. What war did Senator John McCain famously fight in?
A. Vietnam War
B. World War II
C. Civil War
D. Revolutionary War
E. The Clone Wars
F. All of the above
2. Senator Hillary Clinton is best known for:
A. Her charisma, charm and warmth
B. Her solid, principled stands on the issues
C. Her husband
D. Her honesty and sincerity
3. What is Senator Barack Obama’s religion?
4. Ralph Nader is running for president as an independent because:
A. No political party can stand him
B. He wants to stand up for the common man
C. He wants to keep up the fight for the consumer
D. He wants the Democrat to lose
E. He has an ego the size of Texas
5. Congressman Ron Paul is best known for:
A. Wanting to pull our troops out of Iraq
B. Wanting to change our tax system
C. Wanting to reduce government spending
D. Attracting a cult-like following of—how shall we say this?—flaky people who will attack anyone who so much as attempts the mildest of criticisms of Congressman Paul.
6. Who is the true candidate of change?
A. Barack Obama
B. Hillary Clinton
C. John McCain
D. Ralph Nader
E. All of them, as we are guaranteed a change in the White House because the current president is term-limited by the Constitution!
7. The coming presidential election has the potential for serious historical implications because:
A. We could have the first-ever woman president in Hillary Clinton
B. We could have the first-ever African-American president in Barack Obama
C. We could have the oldest president ever in John McCain
D. A state other than Florida could royally mess up the election, thereby sparing us from being mentioned perennially for the 2000 debacle
E. All of the above
8. Which presidential candidate had the funniest-sounding name?
A. Mike Huckabee
B. Mike Huckabee
C. Mike Huckabee
D. Mike Huckabee
E. All of the above
9. Which of the following major Republican presidential contenders has been married to only one woman?
A. John McCain
B. Rudy Giuliani
C. Mitt Romney
D. Fred Thompson
10. People have fainted at Barack Obama’s events because…
A. As his wife once noted in an interview, he’s “stinky”
B. He sneezed all over the audience
C. The sheer power of his oratory knocked them off their feet
D. They suddenly and inexplicably became allergic to the word “change”
11. Hillary Clinton cries because…
A. She’s deeply hurt and saddened by cheap shots directed at her
B. Bill’s sleeping around on her (again)
C. She has something in her eye
D. She realized her chances of winning the nomination are quickly becoming “slim and none,” and “slim” has left the building.
12. The primary process has been going on…
A. For a few weeks
B. For a few months
C. Since the last election in 2004
D. For all eternity
13. At the Democratic convention, the super-delegates will be…
A. The ones wearing red capes and blue tights
B. The ones sitting in the best seats
C. The ones who got upgraded to first-class on their flights to the convention
D. People with more experience than Barack Obama
14. That tingly feeling Chris Matthews had running up his leg was actually…
A. Pee trickling down his leg
B. A mouse ran up his leg
C. Somebody plugged in the electric blanket he was sitting on
D. A spasm of restless leg syndrome
15. Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani lost the Florida primary, subsequently dropping out of the race altogether, because…
A. Somebody made him an offer he couldn’t refuse
B. New York transplants forgot to register to vote in Florida
C. Floridians are tired of New Yorkers!
Answers: What answers? There are no right answers in this quiz!