. The preceding message was printed in invisible ink. To read what it says, squirt or spray lemon juice on it. Just kidding! We couldn’t think of any other cheap ploy to get you to visit TheHumorlessTwit.com. What’s that, you say? You already squirted lemon juice on your monitor? Hehe, sorry. But you know what they say, when life gives you lemon juice, add sugar, water and ice and make lemonade!
The Humorless Twit is invisible. Really. I am. It’s entirely true.
I’ve found that I am truly invisible. But there is one major problem with my newly discovered invisibility: I have no control over it.
I can’t make myself invisible when I want to, which would come in soooooo handy, so often in my life. Like when I run into an ex, or one of those annoying acquaintances or relatives who loooooooves to talk.
So when/how do I become invisible? Oh, that’s easy. Whenever I find myself in any of the following situations:
-At work, when bonuses, coveted assignments and/or extra time off is being doled out
-When I need to merge into traffic or change lanes in my shiny, bright red Chrysler PT Cruiser
-At a store, deli or restaurant counter when I need help (this is especially true if I’m first/the next one to be served supposedly and there is not so much a line of people waiting to be helped but a mob–and someone else is usually chosen before me)
-At U2’s Joshua Tree concert at the Orange Bowl in 1987, when they were asking the audience for a guitar player to go up on stage with them to play one song (I was right in front of the stage, waving my arm frantically and jumping up and down to get Bono’s attention–and I know I was clearly visible to him as he gave me an acknowledging wink or nod several times during the show)
-I’ve been waiting hours for a car to pull out of a parking spot, so I can take it–meanwhile, someone who just got there pulls into the spot in front of me
-At sporting events when the cheerleaders/mascots give away free items such as t-shirts
-Anywhere/anyplace someone or some entity is giving away something of value for free
-At a hospital emergency room, hours after a pool of blood underneath me has dried, as I watch–while barely conscious–someone with a hangnail come in and demand to be served immediately because he/she/it declares quite loudly that he/she/it “knows the director of the hospital and there will be hell to pay” if he/she/it is not attended to right away
-At a restaurant, whenever I need anything from the waiter or waitress
-With my dogs, anytime I don’t have a treat or food in my hands, or I want to pet them
In short, I tend to be invisible when it involves my receiving something good or something everyone wants.
Contrast that to the moments when I’m clearly visible, even if I’m not immediately in sight:
-I’m on vacation and somebody needs something at the office
-I’m the first one in line in the left-turn lane at an intersection and I got a green arrow 0.00000000000000000000000000001 second ago.
-Undesirable assignments/duties are being doled out at work (i.e. guard duty on Christmas Day when I was in the Army; having to make a critical decision on a politically charged situation because my boss is on vacation and unreachable; telephone coverage at the office on Christmas Eve/New Year’s Eve because everyone else is either on vacation or out, ahem, “sick”; having to represent my employer at an after-hours or weekend event because everyone else has “something” going on)
-I walk out of a store that has those shoplifting alarm sensors at the door–and the alarm sounds even though I’ve paid for everything in my bag
-At a restaurant, when the waiter or waitress is looking for someone to hand the check to
-With my dogs, anytime I open or handle something that remotely sounds like a food wrapper (i.e., a window envelope with a vet’s bill in it), or anytime I’m trying to watch something interesting on TV or talk on the phone, or while I’m working on this column (Chili Dog, you little mutt, quit licking my ankles while I’m typing!!!!!!!)
-When I’m out in public wearing anything (a shirt or hat with a logo, an ID badge, etc.) that identifies my employer–suddenly I become a magnet for anyone who has ever had a complaint about the organization I happen to be working for at that particular moment
In fact, I seem to be a magnet for trouble, as a friend of mine once said (well, actually, he used a different word than “trouble” but this is a family publication).
One of these days I’ll (hopefully) figure out this invisibility thing. Until then, I