Feeling drab and blah? Then visit our website, http://www.thehumorlesstwit.com. No, we won’t cheer you up. But if misery loves company, then you’ll LOOOOOOVVVVVVVE our website!
Yep, you can tell summer’s coming. I’m feeling lazier than usual. So I figured I’d let one of my more obscure aunts (introduced to you in the May 2007 issue of Flamenco) do the column this month–actually, for the next three months: my “dear” Aunt Drabby (you’ll soon see how she got that name…).
DEAR DRABBY: I have a problem. You see, everyone I know makes fun of my wardrobe. I have never made anyone’s best-dressed list and I’m afraid I never will if I keep it up. I admit it–I’m clueless when it comes to fashion. I wear plaid polyester pants that don’t quite seem to make it down to my ankles, so my hole-filled socks show. My shoes are maybe four sizes larger than they could be. People ridicule me for the clothes I wear but I have no idea what to do. Please help! – WARDROBE-CHALLENGED IN WASHINGTON
DEAR VARDROBE-MALFUNCTION IN VASHINGTON: You tink you are only one vees problem? I have many problem. You are simply spoiled American. Een my old country, you vere lucky eef government store geeve you one dress every year. Only color you can choose ees brown or gray. You should be, how do you say een Eenglish? Nephew, help me out here (Twit’s note: Grateful?). Yes, grateful. You should be grateful you have clothes and you can vear vhatever you vant.
DEAR DRABBY: My husband “George” and I very excited! I am pregnant with our first child! We are thrilled to death to have a baby and start our family, as is everyone in both our families. What I wanted to ask you is, how should I decorate our new baby’s room? We want to be surprised as to whether the baby will be a boy or girl so we want the baby’s room to be something neutral like say yellow or green. Of course, we want bright, happy colors to reflect the happiness our little bundle of joy will bring us. DO you have any suggestions? – EXPECTING IN EL PASO
DEAR EXPECTORATING IN EL PASO: Vhy do you vant another mouth to feed? Such foolishness. Anyvay, I suggest you pick brown or gray for baby room. Eet veell build character een baby, boy or girl.
DEAR DRABBY: Summer’s almost here. It’s hot outside. And you’re dressed up in ridiculous, hot clothing. What’s up with that? – HOT AND BOTHERED IN HONOLULU
DEAR HOTHEAD IN HONOLULU: Vhat ees your problem? Ees thees not free country? I can dress however I vant. (Twit’s note: Aunt Drabby, that’s the whole point! If you can dress however you want now, why do you continue to dress like you did in the old country?) I vant to dress like thees, like old peasant voman. Mostly because I AM old peasant voman!
DEAR DRABBY: You have this vaguely Eastern European air about you, but I’m curious. What country are you actually from? Inquiring minds would like to know. – NOSY IN NEW ENGLAND
DEAR NOSY IN NEW ENGLAND: Name ees right for you. You are nosy. I vill not tell you vhere I come from. That ees none of your business. Nephew vill not tell you either or I vill have secret police take him avay. Right, nephew? (Twit’s note: Gulp! Right, Aunt Drabby!).
DEAR DRABBY: I think you are the most droll, boring, dour-looking person I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with. How the heck did you get to take over The Humorless Twit’s column–not that he’s much better but at least he TRIES to be funny. Unlike you! – BORED IN BALTIMORE
DEAR BORING IN BALTIMORE: Eef you don’t like column, don’t read. My nephew vill be back soon enough. In meantime, I vill have secret police come give you a “veeseet,” eef you know vhat I mean. Expect knock on your door in meeddle of night. I vould suggest you sleep een your street clothes and dress extra varm. You vill need it vhere you are going.