The Humorless Twit Joins Writer’s Strike for the Holidays | December 2007


Too much eggnog this holiday season? Drunk with euphoria–or with the stench of exhaust fumes as you wait 30 minutes in the mall parking garage for a parking spot? Keep the holiday hangover going strong, visit today.

Haha, not really. But it makes an excellent excuse for us to post the “best” holiday song parodies from years past.

So grab yourself. Er, we mean, grab yourself a slice or two of fruitcake, sit back and enjoy The Best of The Humorless Twit’s Annual Christmas-Holiday Song Parodies Special.

Do practitioners of Santeria believe in Santeria Claus?

Federico, the Santeria Man (Sing to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)

Federico, the Santeria man
Was a jolly happy soul
With a corncob pipe and dressed all in white
And two eyes as black as coal

Federico, the Santeria man
Believes a fairy tale they say
He has goats and chickens
And sometimes pigeons
And he says he’ll make the non-believers pay

There must have been black magic in
Those potions that he’d try
For when he put them on his enemies
They would all begin to cry
Federico, the Santeria man
Was as powerful as he could be
And his followers claim
That with just a name
He could put a hex on you or me

Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Look at Federico gloat
Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
He’s sacrificing a goat

Federico, the Santeria man
Knew the gods were angry that day
So he said, “Bring a statue of St. Lazarus
Now before I get called away”

Down to the botanica*
With a broomstick in his hand
Chanting here and there and everywhere
Saying “Catch me if you can”

He led them down the streets of town
Right to the courthouse steps
And he only paused a moment when
On a judge he placed a hex

For Federico, the Santeria man
Had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye
Saying “Don’t you cry
I’ll be back to curse someone someday”

Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Federico s placing a spell
Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
He just cursed someone to hell

*A botanica is a shop specializing in the paraphernalia of Santeria.

This next song was originally written for then-Miami Dolphins head coach Dave Wannstedt. But it clearly applies to the Dolphins’ current head coach as well, Cam “Win ONE, just ONE, lousy, stinking game for the Gipper” Cameron. For the record, as this note here was written, the Dolphins have yet to win a single game this season.

All I Want For Christmas Is To Win A Game (sing to the tune of “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”)

Every body stops
and glares at me
My job will soon be
gone as you can see
I don’t know just who
to blame for this ca-tas-troph-e!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas
is to win a game,
to win a game,
to win one lousy game!
Gee, if I could only
win one stinking game,
then I would have a
“Merry Christmas.”

It seems so long since I could say,
“We’re on a winning streak!”
Gosh oh gee, how happy I’d be,
if we could win this week.

All I want for Christmas
is to win one game,
to win a game,
oh to win a game.
Gee, if I could only
win a stinking game,
then I would have a
“Merry Christmas!”

This next song is waaaaaay too long to reproduce in its entirety here, so we’re only including the last verse.

The Twelve Days of Twitmas (Sing to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”)

On the twelfth day of Twitmas,
My ex-love sent to me,
Twelve drummers drumming (rather loudly),
Eleven expensive plumbers piping (plus their bills),
Ten geeks computing,
Nine pregnant “exotic” dancers,
Eight maids a-bilking,
Seven ceiling fans not a-turning,
Six in-laws over-staying,
Five genuine faux gold rings…
Four used calling cards,
Three old french fries,
Two non-matching socks
And a cartridge, needle and a bunch of scratched LPs

The next song make a very compelling case for staying away from rum cake and eggnog this holiday season.

Rudy the Red-Nosed Drunkard (Sing to the tune of “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer”)

Rudy, the red-nose drunkard,
had a very shiny, red nose,
and if you ever saw it,
you would even say it glowed.

All of his friends and neighbors,
used to laugh and call him names.
They didn’t know poor Rudy,
had rum and vodka and gin and beer and wine to blame.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
when Rudy was drunk on a park bench,
the cops in his face shined a bright flashlight
and said “Rudy, in jail you’re going to spend the night.”

Then all the jailbirds loved him,
as they shouted out with glee:
“1,000 arrests for public drunkenness,
Rudy’ll go down in history!”