Talk all you want at http://www.thehumorlesstwit.com. Well, you can’t REALLY talk there. But you can try. My aunt’s Blabby and Gabby sure as heck did, anyway.
The Humorless Twit’s aunts Blabby (left) and Gabby doing what they do best
My dear reader(s), please hold on tight this month. You see, I’ve been threatened/cajoled/badgered/nagged by a tag team of my long-winded twin aunts, Blabby and Gabby, into letting them write this month’s column. So make sure to grab a fresh roll of Charmin as you sit down in the only appropriate place to enjoy the ramblings of my dear aunts…
DEAR BLABBY AND GABBY: Why do you talk so much? — PITHY IN PALMETTO BAY
DEAR PITHY IN PALMETTO BAY: Why don’t you just “pith” off? Hahaha, get it, Gabby?
GABBY: Yes, Blabby, what a wonderful joke, you have such a fantastic sense of humor. Of course, I have it too! It runs in the family, except for the black sheep of our funny clan, The Humorless Twit.
BLABBY: Oh, you’re so right, I can’t believe he is the only one in our family who has his own humor column. The nerve! And we have to beg and plead with him to let us “fill in,” quote-unquote, for one stinking month. Unbelievable.
GABBY: Unbelievable is right. This humor column should rightfully be OURS. And that sister of ours, Crabby, ugh. Who does she think she is, barging in on our nephew’s space like she does every few months?
BLABBY: Yeah, the unmitigated gall. Even though she had her gall bladder removed years ago. Get it? Gall bladder, unmitigated gall? Hahahaha!
GABBY: Haha, that’s so funny! I don’t know why we can’t have our own humor column if our worthless, unfunny nephew can. And that new wife of his, oh… (TWIT’s NOTE: Keep her out of this or you’ll never see this space again, you ungrateful parrot!)
BLABBY: Now, now, Gabby, you KNOW he’s going to defend her and edit anything you say about her. Remember, he’s whipped!
GABBY: Oh, that he is, that he is. I’ve never seen a so-called man who was more henpecked than our sorry excuse of a nephew! Sometimes I think he was probably the milkman’s son. He can’t POSSIBLY be one of us!
BLABBY: I have to agree with you. There’s no way he could be a member of our fine, upstanding family, no sirree. He has no sense of humor whatsoever, and no spine. And no bal…
GABBY: Ahem. Remember, Blabby, this is a family publication after all!
BLABBY: You’re right, Gabby. So sorry. I got carried away. I’m just outraged at the unfairness of it all! That worthless, spineless nephew of ours gets everything handed to him on a silver platter and we have to talk, er, work hard for every single thing we get.
GABBY: You know what, I have an idea how we can get back at him!
BLABBY: What is it?
GABBY: How about we don’t give him a Christmas gift this year?
BLABBY: That’s perfect, Gabby! I won’t buy him any more underwear, not this Christmas or next!
GABBY: And I’ll stop giving him those cans of Danish butter cookies and the fruitcakes he says he loves (TWIT’S NOTE: Danish butter cookies, I love; fruitcakes, er, NO, except of course, my two fruitcake aunts!)! We’ll show him!
BLABBY: Yes we will! Why, I oughtta call him right now and give him a piece of my mind…
GABBY: Me too! Let’s both call him together!
BLABBY: Good idea! I’ll go get the phone… Oh wait, I’m ON the phone now, hahaha!
GABBY: We both are, silly! In fact, we never hang up!
BLABBY: You’re right. Not even when we go to the bathroom! Hahaha!
GABBY: Hahaha! We crack each other up, don’t we?
BLABBY: Haha, we sure do! Now where did I put the phone book? Oh, there it is!
GABBY: Hurry up, I gotta go to the bathroom. As a matter of fact, every time I think of that worthless nephew of ours, The Humorless Twit, I feel like I have to go to the little girl’s room.
BLABBY: Ugh, me too. That’s about the only thing he inspires in me.
GABBY: Same here.
BLABBY: Okay, I’ve found his number…
GABBY: Speaking of number, I gotta do a number two, would you call him already, please?
BLABBY: Eww, too much info! Gabby, I love you, but that’s gross!
GABBY: Are you (EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to space constraints and the ridiculously excessive length of this column, we had to end it right here).