The Humorless Twit Is Bored (Or Did He Say “Boring?”) | November 2007

 

Bored? Visit http://www.thehumorlesstwit.com and… stay bored. Or visit the Humorless Twit’s exciting new website, http://www.worldsmostboringwebsite.com. It’ll cure your insomnia, guaranteed, or your money back.



There are two words in the English language that, when uttered by teenagers, cause both anger and exasperation in their parents:

“I’m bored.”

I know this not because I have children of my own–I don’t–much less teenagers, but because it’s how I feel whenever I’ve gone to a chat room on the Internet and someone has typed out those words.

“I’m bored.”

My first reaction is to assume the writer of those words is a spoiled teenager–I’m usually, but not always, right about that; sometimes, it’s a spoiled young adult–and to respond accordingly.

“I should care because…?” Or, “This is my problem… how?”

At this point, the self-proclaimed bored person will typically call me a jerk (or worse). That’s when the fireworks begin.

Here’s a sample chat room conversation:

69girllll: I’m bored.
Me: I’m Frank, nice to meet you, Bored.
69girllll: Haha, that’s not funny, I’m serious.
Me: Serious about being bored huh? And I should care because…?
69girllll: You’re a [expletive deleted, this is a family publication, after all].
Me: Waah, waah, oh poor widdle baby, you’re freakin’ bored. Then why don’t you leave? Why are you even here?
69girllll: [Expletive deleted] you, [expletive deleted]
Me: You’re the one who came in here whining that you were bored you little [expletive deleted]. Don’t like it, go somewhere else. We’re not here to entertain you. Neither is anyone else on the planet for that matter, you spoiled little, narcissistic, whiny brat. Go play with your dolls or something and leave us adults alone.

By now, the bored whiner usually leaves (although in a few cases, it escalates with empty threats such as I’m going to kick your butt, to which I respond with a virtual YAWN ) and most of the other people–especially the parents of teenagers–thank me. Parents of teenagers will also sometimes add that they wished they could respond to their teenagers the same way I did to the bored chatter. I ask them, why not?

I’m sorry if I sound impatient. Perhaps it’s because I am impatient. I have very little tolerance for those whose imaginations are so limited they compensate by seeking to inflict their self-inflicted boredom upon others.

I think that’s because I rarely, if ever, found myself bored when I was a child. We didn’t have cable or satellite televison with its myriad channels, and video games really weren’t widespread until late in my high school career. Personal computers were somewhat rare and rarer still was any form of computer networking–electronic bulletin boards, CompuServe and America Online were just over the horizon, never mind the Internet. And yet I survived, without being bored.

There were always sports to play with other kids. I could hop on my bike and ride around. I loved to read and I had plenty of books. I’d go fishing. Even with only a handful of channels to rely on, I could usually find something interesting on TV.

Today, there’s so much anyone can do. True, a lot of it is junk. But there’s also a lot of good, fun stuff that didn’t exist when I was a child.

So when I hear a spoiled whiner complain that he or she is bored, my blood boils and I want to throw a brick at him or her. Since anyone has yet to come up with a way to throw a brick at someone else via the Internet (give it time, though), I do it metaphorically.

The thought of boredom (which, as busy as I am these days, is a luxury I can ill afford myself) is what inspired me to create a spin-off website. I call it the “World’s Most Boring Website.” It’s at http://www.worldsmostboringwebsite.com.

I actually did some research to create this website (and no, I did not fall asleep while doing said research). Several websites claim to be the most boring websites and they tend to fall into one of two categories: either they’re a mish-mash of horrific design (one had a live webcam depicting grass growing, over a garish green background, another had paint drying on a background of vertical purple and grey stripes), which is not necessarily boring, just bad; or they are plain-looking and they claim to be the product of their respective creators’ laziness.

My version of the world’s most boring website falls into the plain-looking camp but it actually took some work and effort on my part to create, so laziness was not a factor. In fact, I coded the HTML by hand. I used the very simple Notepad program to do it. No cutting and pasting of code. I’m not a computer programmer by any stretch of the imagination so this was a little bit of a challenge for me, but I truly wanted it to be a “boring” experience.

I plan to make it into a shrine to boredom. I’ll be adding some of the most boring books ever, along with links to other boring websites (including the ones I mentioned before) plus lots of other boring stuff. The design (if you can call it that) will be boring. It’ll be the most exciting boring website ever

So if you ever find yourself surfing the web late at night, unable to fall asleep, you now know where to go for your insomnia: http://www.worldsmostboringwebsite.com. We promise, you won’t be disappointed.

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