One Big, Crabby Family | May 2007

 

Aunt Crabby

A note of apology to my reader, er, I mean, readers: as you can see by the suitable-for-a-dartboard picture above, yes, my, ahem, dear Aunt Crabby is back. She did some major arm twisting. This time around, she wants to inflict upon you, er, I mean, introduce you to her sisters, whom she is so proud of.



My spoiled, ungrateful nephew. No doubt he’ll start off what should rightfully be MY column with some note apologizing for letting his dearest, sweetest, most lovable and generous–namely ME–aunt give him a break from writing his horrid, insipid column.

Well, never mind. Today, I am happy and proud to introduce you to my sisters, who will actually help and fill in for me on my column from time to time (Twit’s Note: that would be MY column and no, I don’t know that I’d be comfortable letting them do anything TO or FOR this column!).

And I’m sure my nephew, appropriately named THE HUMORLESS TWIT, has inserted some smart alecky parenthetical comment here (Twit’s Note: you’re darned right I did!). Please don’t pay him any mind. He has a, well, “condition” (Twit’s Note: WRONG! YOU are the one carrying that gene!).

So, without further ado and hopefully, also without any more of my nephew’s parenthetical comments (Twit’s Note: Ha! Gotcha!), I introduce you to my sisters.



Aunt Blabby
Aunt Blabby talking to her twin Aunt Gabby.

Aunt Gabby
Aunt Gabby talking to her twin Aunt Blabby.

Aunts Blabby and Gabby: they are twins, slightly younger than myself (Twit’s Note: Methuselah is slightly younger than you, Aunt Crabby!). They are very well known for being gifted conversationalists (Twit’s Note: Let me translate that for you: they’ve been speaking non-stop since they spoke their first word at one year of age! They even speak in their sleep! No one can get a word in edgewise with them, absolutely no one. In fact, they are frequently featured in the Guinea Book of International World Records for the longest consecutive talking streak!).



Aunt Flabby
Aunt Flabby’s only attempt ever at exercise.

Aunt Flabby: She’s known for enjoying culinary pleasures and intellectual pursuits (Twit’s Note: Yeah, in other words, the couch potato only moves from the sofa to the refrigerator).



Aunt Stabby
Aunt Stabby’s booking photo (AKA mug shot).

Aunt Stabby: She is the black sheep of the family. She is currently in prison, serving time for a felony she was framed for (Twit’s Note: Riiiiiiiiiight. That’s why she’s called “Stabby,” for being innocent. She stabbed her old man 27 times for snoring in bed. She’s lucky she didn’t get the chair).



Aunt Tabby
Aunt Tabby feeding her granddaughter’s formula to a cat.

Aunt Drabby
Aunt Drabby in her Eastern European peasant garb.

Aunts Tabby and Drabby: They’re also twins, very delightful to know. Aunt Tabby loves cats (can’t you tell by the name?) and Aunt Drabby is known for her quiet personality and simple style of dress (Twit’s Note: Ha, ha, good one, Aunt Crabby! Aunt Tabby is the neighborhood’s kooky cat lady, with 48 cats. Aunt Drabby has that perpetually dour, old Eastern-bloc personality and looks).