There’s No Face Like Twit’s for the Holidays | December 2006


The tradition keeps going strong, even if the subject matter itself is weak… Here goes another installment of The Humorless Twit’s Annual Holiday Song Parody Special.

Feeling klutzy? Be extra careful when you decorate your home and wrap gifts or you could end up like the subject of this next song…

Blame It On My Stubbed Toe (Sing to the tune of “Blame It On The Mistletoe”)

The middle of December ain’t the time to break a bone
It’s just too close to the holidays
And too far to crutch-walk home
I smashed my toe on the mattress frame
Looking for some bows
It hurt so much I fell on my face
And got a bloody nose
I got up, bashed my head against an open drawer
I’m not sure what happened next
Guess an ambulance took me away

Blame it on my stubbed toe
‘Cause what happened here I don’t know
How could something as simple as a stubbed toe
Have me spend the holidays in a hospital
And I moaned in pain all night long
Nurses woke me up with medications that were strong
This year, no “ho-ho-ho”
Blame it on my stubbed toe

I woke up, a nurse was changing my IV
She said I know it’s early, so I’ll let you get back to sleep
But suddenly she made me get up to change the sheets on my bed
“Come on, rise and shine, wake up, sleepyhead”
That’s when I saw the needles, just inches from my bed,
She told me to turn over,
Laughin’ as she said

Blame it on your stubbed toe
‘Cause what happened to you nobody knows
How could something as simple as a stubbed toe
Have you spending the holidays in a hospital
Moaning in pain all night long
Nurses like me wake you up with medications that are strong
For you, no “ho-ho-ho”
Blame it on your stubbed toe

Each year, we include at least one song parody designed to make our northern friends jealous of our balmy winter weather. This year is no exception, as we do our best to make northerners “green” with envy at our weather…

Green Christmas (Sing to the tune of “Blue Christmas”)

I’ll have a warm, green Christmas
without you,
You’ll be so green with envy, won’t you?
Decorations of red
on our green palm trees
Won’t mean a thing if
I can’t rub it in

I’ll have a green Christmas, that’s certain,
And when you’re shoveling snow you’ll start hurting,
I’ll be doing all right
As you suffer frostbite
And I, have a green, green, green, green Christmas

What are the holidays without a little eggnog… and a little more eggnog… and a little more… Just ask Rudy the red-nosed drunkard…

Rudy the Red-Nosed Drunkard (Sing to the tune of “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer”)

Rudy, the red-nose drunkard,
had a very shiny, red nose,
and if you ever saw it,
you would even say it glowed.

All of his friends and neighbors,
used to laugh and call him names.
They didn’t know poor Rudy,
had rum and vodka and gin and beer and wine to blame.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
when Rudy was drunk on a park bench,
the cops in his face shined a bright flashlight
and said “Rudy, in jail you’re going to spend the night.”

Then all the jailbirds loved him,
as they shouted out with glee:
“1,000 arrests for public drunkenness,
Rudy’ll go down in history!”

You’ll appreciate this one if you’ve ever had a little too much eggnog on Christmas Eve like our friend Rudy in the previous song…

My Ears Are Ringing (Sing to the tune of “Bells Will Be Ringing”)

My ears are ringing, I slept in my clothes,
Oh what a Christmas, my mouth tastes real gross,
The punch is gone,
I have no ice,
I partied too hard, now I’m paying the price,
Choirs please stop singing, just leave me alone,
Any noise bothers me, I’ve unhooked my phone,

Please leave me alone Christmas,
Please leave me alone Christmas,
Just let me recover from last night, please leave me alone

Friends and relations,
Please send medications
I’ve been sick all morning long,

This is Christmas and I’ve got a bad hangover, dear,
The time of year to enjoy drink and song,

But I enjoyed too much drink and not enough song,
And now for my aspirin, I truly long,

There’d be no more headaches,
No sickness or pain,
If only on Christmas Eve, from rum I’d’ve refrained