Bits and Pieces | Summer 2005


For this issue, the traditional summer issue, I’m going to share some “bits and pieces,” as it were: a collection of one-liners, real headlines from various local, national and international media–including my comments–and some made up headlines you’ll never see in the real media.

So… enjoy and have a great summer!

Headlines from… All Over the Place

“Animal Sacrifice Could Spark Shark Attack”–Reuters News Service, May 12
***Especially if the animals being sacrificed are the sharks…

“‘Witch’ Was To Be Thrown Into River?”–Reuters News Service, May 12
***Which witch?

“When You Were Born Influences When You Reach the Menopause”–Medical News Today, May 12
***Talk about “news of the obvious…”

“Milwaukee Making Progress on Stray Condoms”–Associated Press, May 13
***I hear if you neuter and spay them before you release them, you can control the stray condom population…

“Good News On Severed Goat Heads: Satan Not Involved”–Reuters News Service, May 10
***Whew, that’s comforting to know…

“Cigars and Women Not Uncommon”–Sun News (Myrtle Beach, S.C.), May 12
***Bill Clinton is moving to South Carolina?

“Wendy’s Finger Belongs to Friend of Suspect’s Husband”–The Miami Herald, May 13
***Wendy is the husband’s friend? I’d look out for signs they’re “more than friends” if I were his wife…

“Bush Selects Mint Director for State Post”–News, May 12
***What I want to know is, what is the Wintergreen Director doing?

“Oil steadies after big slide”–News, May 13
***I hope it wasn’t a water slide because everybody knows oil and water don’t mix…

“Death Pleads Guilty To Cheating Cemetery”–1010 WINS AM web site (New York), May 11
***Death cheated death? The Grim Reaper must be confused…

“Study: Meanness in Girls Can Start at 3″–Associated Press, May 6
***With my ex-wife, I’m sure it started earlier (like at conception)…

“Senate OKs bill millions of years in the making”–Statesman Journal (Salem, OR), May 5
***Strom Thurmond lives!

“Despite Finger, Body Parts in Food Rare”–Associated Press, May 4
***What if I want mine well done?