You read it here first: the full transcript of the missing John Kerry/George Bush 2004 Presidential Debate! I know, I know, I promised to keep politics to a bare minimum in the space, but hey, this was a rare opportunity.
You see, unbeknownst to most of America, the President and his challenger debated in a little-known forum a few weeks ago. It was actually billed by both sides as a “dress rehearsal, a practice of sorts” for the upcoming debates.
What REALLY happened was the debate was videotaped–fortunately for both Kerry and Bush it wasn’t live–and both candidates were completely ashamed of their embarrassing performances, said a highly placed source (read: the janitor). So ashamed, in fact, the two presidential aspirants came to a gentleman’s agreement to destroy the videotape.
Except the video was found and retrieved by a highly placed source (read: I did some heavy-duty dumpster diving to nab the tape).
So with much more ado (hey, I have to fill a couple of pages in the Flamenco), I present to you, my fair readers, the one and only transcript of the “lost” 2004 Presidential Debate…
The Unofficial 2004 Presidential Debate sponsored by XYZ News (our motto: “No news is good news”).
Moderator: Maude A. Rator
President George W. “The Leaderator” Bush
Senator John F. “Did you know I went to Vietnam?” Kerry
RATOR: Good evening and welcome to the first 2004 Presidential Debate. I’d like to present the candidates, Senator John Kerry…
KERRY: (Interrupting) Did I tell you I went to Vietnam?
RATOR: (Annoyed) Senator Kerry, would you please wait until I ask you a question?
BUSH: Yeah, listen to the lady there, lurch!
KERRY: Quiet, chimp! I’m an intellectual and you’re a dunce!
RATOR: (Angry) Both of you, shut up! I’m the moderator here and you sound like a couple of children!
BUSH: Children? Is our children edumacated? I say yes, they are.
BUSH: (To Kerry) What’s so dang funny?
KERRY: I went to Vietnam and you didn’t!
BUSH: Oh yeah?!? You’re a liberal New England wienie and a waffling UN apolomagist!
KERRY: (Indignant) Why, nobody ever spoke like that to me in Vietnam! By the way, did I tell you I got three Purple Hearts in Vietnam?
BUSH: (Looks around, interrupts) Who came in?
KERRY: (Rolls his eyes) She was referring to me!
RATOR: I was referring to both of you! Now, Senator Kerry, is it true you voted against intelligence even after the first attack on the World Trade center in the early ’90’s?
KERRY: (Indignant) How DARE you question my service in Vietnam! Why, I have a Silver Star, a Bronze Star and three Purple Hearts. Mr. President, I DEMAND you denounce this smear on my record! Mrs. Rator must be a part of your campaign, I’ll bet, along with those swift boat vets!
BUSH: Well, first of all, Mrs. Rator is not affiliamated with my campaign. Heck, she never served on a swift boat, so there! And second of all, denunciamate all groups that are smearing both you and me.
RATOR: (Rolls her eyes) That’s denounce, Mr. President. And I was not asking about your Vietnam service, Senator. (Sarcastic) I was asking about something a little more recent, thank you very much.
BUSH: Why don’t you ask him about how he flip-flopped on the eye-raq war and when it came time to buy equipment for our troops?
RATOR: (Sternly) Mr. President, I’ll ask the questions here. Speaking of which, how are things going in Iraq, Mr. President????
BUSH: What are you laughing at? Ketchup got your tongue? (Chuckling, amused with himself)
Haha, get it, KETCHUP got your tongue?
KERRY: Phffft to you, just answer the lady’s question!
RATOR: Senator, Mr. President, please!
KERRY: Hehehe, okay, sorry. Did I tell you I went to Vietnam?
RATOR, BUSH: (Rolling their eyes) YES!
RATOR: (Regains her composure) Well, Mr. President?
BUSH: (Clears his throat) Ahem, well, things haven’t been going as well as we expected in eye-raq…
KERRY: (Muted laughter)
BUSH: (Gives Kerry a dirty look) …but at least we’re sure now that Saddam doesn’t have any nuke-ular weapons.
KERRY: (Laughing hard) I was waiting to hear you say that! Nuke-ular! You are as dumb as a doorknob!
BUSH: Well, you won’t be laughing so much when I spread those pictures of you in that blue bunny suit!
KERRY: Three Purple Hearts, nyah nyah!
BUSH: War on terror and Saddam captured, nyah nyah!
RATOR: (Looking up at the ceiling) Oh lord, why do I feel like a kindergarten teacher right now?
BUSH: Well Mrs. Rator, that’s because our children is edumacated!
KERRY: Hey, I actually voted for the children’s edumacation before I voted against it.
RATOR: Thankfully, that’s all we have time for. Watch for the second debate soon–hopefully after BOTH of these candidates have had a chance to grow up a bit!