Living in Florida is a Tropical Depression | November 2004


Twit’s Note: This column was written after the 2004 hurricane season, which saw Florida get hit by a record four hurricanes.

WARNING! This is probably going to go down in the annals (hey, I spelled it with two “n’s!”) of The Humorless Twit as one of the worst columns I’ve ever written. So don’t say later I didn’t warn you!

So, why would that be and how can this particular edition of The Humorless Twit be any worse than others? Easy: because I said so. That, and a serious lack of time which is leaving me with few options, including foisting an awful column on you, my one reader left (hi Mom!). Which is, obviously, the option I chose.

Now, what is it that should be keeping me so busy (besides trying to do a better job with this column)? Let me list the reasons: Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne… you get the picture, it’s HURRICANES (and no, not the University of Miami).

Yes, like you, I’ve been busy working out this hurricane season. Doing the plywood press, the water-jug weight lift, the canned-goods curl, etc. is actually putting me into good shape. Of course, I also have to deal with the day job I’ve been advised never to quit by many readers, which requires me to report in event of an emergency such as a hurricane. So as you can see, my dear reader (hi again Mom!), time is a pretty precious commodity for me these days. The way things are going, we might see Hurricane Walter by the time this column goes to press. Now, if only they’d sell me some time at Home Depot or Publix….

One good thing about hurricanes is they give me something to write about. Starting with this song parody…

(Sing to the tune of Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ in the Wind”–what can I say, I couldn’t resist)

How many tropical storms must a man face down,
Before you call him
Yes, ‘n how many rough seas must the Coast Guard sail
As they watch our beaches lose all their sand?
Yes, ‘n how many times must we buy plywood,
Bottled water, batteries and food in a can?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind,
The answer is blowin’ in the wind.

How many times must a man look up
Before he can see a blue sky?
Yes, ‘n how many times must they close our airports down,
And tell us it’s too windy to fly?
Yes, ‘n how many times can we watch the Weather Channel,
As their anchors point to the hurricane’s eye?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind,
The answer is blowin’ in the wind.

How many years can our beaches exist
Before they’re washed to the sea?
Yes, ‘n how many years after Hurricane Andrew,
Can certain weathercasters still work for a fee?
Yes, ‘n how many times can a man put up his shutters,
And take them down and put them up again and not go cra-zy?
The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind,
The answer is blowin’ in the wind.

The State of Florida recently hired an ad agency to help promote tourism despite all the storms that have afflicted us. The ad agency decided to take an “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” approach to the weather.

In yet another Humorless Twit exclusive, we found the list of slogans rejected by the State’s ad agency and now, we’re going to share this list with you…

  • Florida–the plywood state
  • Florida–it’s a tropical depression
  • Florida–it blows
  • Come to where the tradewinds (and the gale force winds) blow: Florida
  • Get wet and windy in Florida
  • Someone I know went to Florida and all I got was this soggy t-shirt
  • Is it land or is it water? Florida
  • Surf’s up in FLORIDA!
  • Always inside the cone: Florida
  • Florida, brought to you by the Weather Channel and Home Depot
  • Someone lost a trailer in FLORIDA
  • A jug of water, a 2 by 4 and thou: Florida
  • Got power?
  • Got plywood?
  • Put up or shutter up: Florida
  • Chicago may be the windy city, but Florida is the windy state
  • Just Say “Nyet” to Ivan
  • Go wherever the wind takes you: Florida
  • Got gas?
  • Florida: our weather really blows