The Humorless Twit’s First-Ever Crossword Puzzle | March 2004


Twit’s Note: You’ll have to print this page to, ahem, “enjoy” the crossword puzzle. Oh yeah, a link to the answers can be found below.

One of the things I’ve wanted to do with the Humorless Twit this year is to make it a more interactive column. So, I’ve begun with a crossword puzzle.

With the caveat that the puzzle’s clues will be written in typical Humorless Twit fashion, I invite you to break out your pencils, pens, crayons, quills, chisels, or whatever writing implement you prefer, and enjoy. One other note: the answers are on a separate page. Otherwise, how could I prevent cheating?


1 Tall, leafy green plant that walks and talks (in the Lord of the Rings movies)
5 “_________ you glad I didn’t say ‘banana?'” (knock-knock joke punchline)
10 Public Affairs Officer: acronym
13 Don ______, former Eagles drummer
15 “Acidy” tasting tropical fruit
17 Master of Ceremonies (acronym spelled out phonetically)
18 A good way to describe the creator of this crossword puzzle, esp. after he’s knocked back a few stiff drinks
19 One of the nicer things you say when you get a bill in the mail; also, with “Yucko,” the “affectionate” name some Beatles fans gave to John Lennon’s wife
20 With 40 across, the continuation of this ‘famous” saying: “You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but…”
24 Vehicle Miles Traveled: acronym
25 Loudspeaker and microphone system used at events: acronym; also, Southern way to say “Dad”
26 Capable of being bribed or bought (sort of like many politicians): adverb
27 ____ Stuart, famous Confederate general
28 “To ___ is Twit-like, to forgive, divine”
29 School, in Paris
30 An abnormal accumulation of fluid in the body (like between the Twit’s ears): medical term
32 Eastern War Time: acronym
33 You, to yourself
34 Déjà vu all over again on TV
38 Trademark for a brand of cleaning products
40 See 20 across
42 “Wynken, Blynken and ___”: Eugene Field poem
43 A version of the Windows operating system for computers
44 District Attorney: acronym
45 80’s British pop band; had hits “If You Leave” and “So In Love”
46 Orange juice: acronym; also, ______ Simpson, of bloody glove fame
47 Man’s best friend
49 Masculine version of “she:” pronoun
50 Eager, as kids on Christmas morning (or as the Twit is to finish this thing!)
51 ____-of-war: picnic competition
53 Registered Nurse: acronym
54 What might be said by a big fan of Bert’s friend (from “Sesame Street”)?
57 Famous Colorado ski resort
59 Father, in Nice
60 International Olympic Committee: acronym
61 Joyful, as when anticipating a holiday
63 Ford car flop
64 Popular Audi coupe
65 Common white bird seen on roadsides near water
66 “The best things in life are ___”

1 “We didn’t do it, ____ did it!”
2 What is done with a booger when picked from your nose: it is _____
3 Weigh down or burden: present participle
4 Choose by voting
5 ___ vey!
6 On top of: preposition
7 What few in Florida are; also, opposite of exotic
8 General Manager: acronym
9 ___ Sports; popular sports video game maker
10 “Shut your ______;” what you’d tell a mathematician to get him to shut up?
11 What Britney Spears will do about her Las Vegas wedding to Jason Allen Alexander
12 The maximum amount of bad smell you can get out of a sweaty sock?
14 European Economic Association: acronym
16 A nicer way to say “blue blood” about an individual
18 “Lucky ____:” 1984 Madonna hit song
21 National Public Radio: acronym
22 ____ Winans: popular singer
23 Something you get in school (which the creator of this crossword has very little of!)
27 _____ Foxworthy; “Redneck” comedian
28 The Humorless twit will seldom ____ his keep
31 ____ the Press with Tim Russert
33 Slang term for milk, refers to animals that produce it
35 Body part from which milk comes; see 33 down
36 Acronym for National Security Agency (also known as “No Such Agency”)
37 What you pick out of your nose!
39 Term of “endearment” some parents use for a child; refers to nasal secretions
41 Traditional camping treat, made with graham crackers, chocolate and marshmallows
47 Cool air “leaking” into a house
48 Adult-____ diabetes
49 Honey, in Bavaria
50 “____ Maria,” Franz Schubert classic
52 General Electric: acronym
54 Large, elaborate party
55 Sword used in fencing
56 Sally ____, first American woman in space
58 Postscript: acronym
62 Virtual reality: acronym
63 Popular medically themed show on NBC

Answers — No fair peeking!