The Humorless Twit’s Annual Christmas-Holiday Song Parody Special 2004 | December 2004

 

It’s that time of year again where we drag a tree into our homes and try not burn or electrocute ourselves as we trim it.

Then you have the non-stop fruitcakes.

But enough about my annoying relatives. Yes, as you can see after months of going to stores with icicle lights, dreidels, Hallmark ornaments, etc., the holidays are here again (or nearly so).

So once again, I present you with my annual holiday gift: holiday song parodies. Enjoy, and don’t drink too much eggnog this year!



Yes, I know this is a stupid premise for this first song, but… I can’t help but remember when Saddam Hussein was captured and pictures of him were everywhere. My first impression was that, with his full beard, he looked like Santa Claus.

With that said, here goes nothing…

Saddam Hussein Is Coming To Town (sing to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town”)

Oh! You better watch out,
there’s nowhere to hide,
if the Ba’athists come knocking,
you’ll wish that you’d died,
Saddam Hussein is coming to town!

He’s making a list,
He’s checking it twice,
The Fedayeen’ll find out who’s naughty or nice.
Saddam Hussein is coming to town!

He’ll arrest you when you’re sleeping,
your cellmate’s screams will keep you awake.
And if you’ve been badmouthing him,
it’ll be your last mistake!

So…you better watch out, don’t look him in the eye,
’cause he’ll put yours out, and that is no lie.
Saddam Hussein is coming to town.

AK-47’s and Russian tanks,
Billions of dollars hidden in Swiss banks,
Saddam Hussein is coming to town.

Palaces and fancy cars too,
bought with the money from
“Oil-for-Food,”
Saddam Hussein is coming to town.

He’ll beat his losing athletes,
don’t matter if it’s just a game,
he’ll take your wife and daughters too,
he just doesn’t have any shame.

Ohh….You better watch out, you better not try,
to resist the man, I’m telling you why.
Saddam Hussein is coming to town.



This next song is meant to be sung from the perspective of Miami Dolphins head coach Dave Wannstedt . For those of you not familiar with what’s going on in sports, the Dolphins this year are off to their worst start in team history. As I write this, they’ve only won ONE lousy stinking game.

All I Want For Christmas Is To Win A Game (sing to the tune of “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”)

Every body stops
and glares at me
My job will soon be
gone as you can see
I don’t know just who
to blame for this ca-tas-troph-e!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve
is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas
is to win a game,
to win a game,
to win one lousy game!
Gee, if I could only
win one stinking game,
then I would have a
“Merry Christmas.”

It seems so long since I could say,
“We’re on a winning streak!”
Gosh oh gee, how happy I’d be,
if we could win this week.

All I want for Christmas
is to win one game,
to win a game,
oh to win a game.
Gee, if I could only
win a stinking game,
then I would have a
“Merry Christmas!”



Each year, we include at least one song that mentions our balmy “winter” weather in Miami. This year is no exception, as we take a look at a song made famous in the 1980‘s as part of the “Band-Aid” tour for famine relief…

How Do We Know It’s Christmas? (sing to the tune of “Do They Know It’s Christmas?/Band Aid Christmas Song”)

It’s Christmastime; or so, the calendar said,
At Christmastime, sometimes it’s hot even in the shade.
And in our world of A/C, we can spread a smile of joy,
Knowing it’ll never snow here at Christmastime.

But say a prayer, to pray for the northern ones,
At Christmastime, it’s hard, but when you’re having fun,
There’s a world outside your window,
And it’s a world of snow and cold.
By the time we reach mid-January, sub-zero temperatures can get old.

And the Christmas bells that ring there,
Are known to get stuck when they freeze.
Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!

And there won’t be snow in Florida this Christmastime.
The coldest it’ll get this year is 59 degrees.
Where no cold winds will blow, no sleet or driving snow,
How do we know it’s Christmastime at all?

Here’s to you, raise a glass for ev’ryone,
Here’s to us, underneath that balmy sun.
How do we know it’s Christmastime at all?

Freeze the world
Freeze the world

Freeze the world
How do we know it’s Christmastime again?
Feed the world
How do we know it’s Christmastime again?



As if driving in Miami weren‘t already dangerous enough, we seem to have a group of idiots out there who love to steal “Stop” signs, street signs and other traffic aids. This next song is for them…

Old Street Signs (sing to the tune of “Auld Lang Syne”)

CHORUS
Put back our old street signs, my dear,
Put back our old street signs,
Show us a bit o’ kindness yet,
And put back our old street signs!

Should auld addresses be forgot,
And never will we find?
Should auld addresses be forgot,
Put back our old street signs!

And surely ye’ll be caught with the signs,
And surely ye’ll be fined,
Show us a bit o’ kindness yet
And put back our old street signs!

You’re out each night to steal the signs,
The police I hope you find,
I’ll catch you on my camcorder,
Fast forward, pause and rewind.

Ten accidents, you’ve caused today,
From stealing three stop signs.
A reward we’ve placed upon your head,
5,000 dollars if you they find.

CHORUS
Put back our old street signs, my dear,
Put back our old street signs,
Show us a bit o’ kindness yet,
And put back our old street signs!