The FCAT: Frank’s (In)Credibly Asinine Test | October 2003


As many, no, some, well, okay, a handful of you may remember, the last school year came to an end with a cloud of controversy hanging over it (and with this being the Halloween issue, let me add “horror” to appease my editor). No, I’m not talking about the liver-and-lima-bean casserole the cafeterias served the last day of school, either. What I’m talking about is the infamous Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test, better known as the FCAT.

The controversy came about because so many Florida students failed the darn thing. It was so bad, as I recall, some high school students who protested the test carried signs reading: “FCAT: Forget College After This” (although one student spelled it “Furget Collidge Aftur Thys”–something tells me he won’t have to worry about college before, after or during the FCAT).

After watching all the news reports about the controversy, I decided to take some action. It occurred to me the test, as it’s written, is all wrong. I mean, it should be relevant to the high schoolers taking it. After all, how many high schoolers care about the Pythagorean theorem versus how many care what flavor lipstick pop singer Britney Spears wears?

With that in mind, I’ve prepared my own version of the FCAT, below.

So, boys, girls and others, sharpen your crayons and get ready to take my (a)version of the FCAT, “Frank’s (In)Credibly Asinine Test.”

Frank’s (In)Credibly Asinine Test

1. “Yo, sup dog” is a…
Way your best friend might let his pet know it’s time to eat dinner.
B. Perfectly acceptable form of greeting.
C. The latest hit rap song.
D. None of the above.

2. “50 Cent” is…
The price of a soda in a vending machine.
B. A rapper.
C. A half-dollar.
D. Eight bits.

3. What word gets bleeped out the most on the MTV show, “The Osbournes?”
B. +*%$#!
C. @*$%^!
D. You have the whole first season of the show on DVD–with no bleeped-out words.

4. Who is “P. Diddy?”
What you have to do after drinking a super-sized soda.
B. The new name for the rapper Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs.
C. Jennifer Lopez’s ex.
D. Both B and C.

5. You’ve just been informed that you’re going to get suspended from school for taking a gun to school with you. You should…
Tell the principal it’s not loaded and proceed to prove it by pointing it at her and squeezing the trigger.
B. Tell the principal it’s just a pellet gun.
C. Find a good, shady lawyer and sue the school system for millions.
D. All of the above.

6. Britney Spears is to Madonna as…
The MTV Music Awards are to MTV.
B. Ben Affleck is to Jennifer Lopez.
C. A and B above.
D. None of the above.

7. Eminem is a…
Candy that melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
B. Rapper.
C. What the government does to property it wants when the owner won’t sell.
D. The phonetic spelling of Mickey Mouse’s initials.

8. Name the reality TV show where two teams of people are stuck out in the middle of nowhere.
Road Rules.
B. The last time you went camping with your dad.
C. Survivor.
D. The Osbournes.

9. What brand of jeans are cool?
B. JNCO’s.
C. Gap.
D. Wrangler’s.

10. What is the best way to explain your latest piercing to your parents?
A wire cat got your tongue.
B. It was a shop class accident.
C. Your braces twisted out of shape.
D. Your teacher threw her stapler at you.

11. What does %^$%( mean?
A. It’s a polite way to depict curse words in print.
B. It’s a cool screen name for a chat room.
C. You dropped a paperweight on your keyboard.
D. Your baby brother got to your computer again.

12. What is “Half-Life 2?”
A hot new video game.
B. A reference to how long a particular element can remain radioactive.
C. The shelf life of a Twinkie.
D. None of the above.

13. How do you measure the area of a perfect circle?
Use the formula r2, where “r” stands for the radius of the circle.
B. Divide the circle into a number of radians and measure those.
C. Lay the circle over a grid system and measure the grids covered by the circle.
D. None of the above, just measure Jennifer Lopez’s butt.

14. “Mudd” is…
Your parents are sticks in the mud.
B. The doctor who cared for Abraham Lincoln’s assassin.
C. A brand of jeans.
D. None of the above.

15. The Mitsubishi Eclipse, Honda S2000 and Toyota Supra are…
Japanese cars.
B. The cars you and your homies “jacked” last week.
C. Just a few of the cars featured in the film, “2 Fast 2 Furious.”
D. All of the above.

16. What’s the best weapon to use in “Counter-Strike?”
B. Colt.
C. D-Eagle.
4. Flash bang grenade.

17. What’s the best type of music to listen to when you’re “candy-flipping?”
B. Country.
C. Dance.
D. Techno.

18. What is a “thrasher?”
Someone who likes listening to loud heavy metal rock.
B. A skateboarder.
C. A surfer.
D. None of the above.

19. What is the best Starbucks flavor?
Caffe Latte.
B. Caffe Mocha.
C. Caffe Americano.
D. Espresso.

20. Ludacris is…
A misspelling.
B. A rapper.
C. An apt description of this test.
D. An apt description of most teens’ taste in music, clothes, movies and language.
E. All of the above.

Answers >>