The Humorless Twit’s Annual Christmas-Holiday Song Parody Special 2003 | December 2003


In a longstanding tradition I just started last year, I’ve decided to make up some holiday song parodies for this, the holiday edition of The Humorless Twit. Other than a “replay” of my favorite from last year (Federico the Santeria Man, sung to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman” NOTE: We’ve deleted it here, but it’s available on this page), these are all new (and improved). So enjoy, and Happy Holidays to you and yours!

The most controversial person this year had nothing to do with the war in Iraq (or its related issues), nor the Laci Peterson murder case, nor the alleged Kobe Bryant rape. No, he was much bigger than all of that, my dear reader.

It was the hapless Chicago Cubs fan who, in one of those moments you wish you could take back, got in the way of Chicago Cub (and ironically enough, former Florida Marlin) Moises Alou as he attempted to catch a fly ball that would’ve put the Cubs four outs away from their first World Series appearance since the 1940’s.

Yes, folks, I’m talking about one Steve Bartman (that is, if he hasn’t joined the Witness Protection Program and changed his name by the time this goes to press). Just to refresh your memory (and for those of you who didn’t hear about it in the first place, or just didn‘t care), after Steve got in the way of Cubs outfielder Moises Alou, for some reason, the Cubs seemed to have lost something. Call it their motivation, call it their spirit, call it their confidence, whatever. The Cubs went on to lose that game and the next, and the Marlins would go on to win both the National League Championship and the World Series.

So, in honor of Steve’s early holiday gift to the Florida Marlins and their fans, I’ve written a song (parody) just for him…

Steve Bartman (sing to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)

Ste-e-eve Bartman,
Was a diehard Cubbies fan,
With a baseball jacket and blue Cubs cap,
And tickets to Game Six in hand,
Ste-e-eve Bartman,
Rooted hard for his home team,
Just one more win and they’d be in,
The 2003 World Series.

There must have been some magic in
That foul ball that he dropped,
For Moises Alou, tried to catch it too,
But thanks to Ste-eve he was stopped.
Down in Miami,
Where the Marlins fans watched with glee,
Singing, “Thank you Steve,
We just can’t believe,
That with your help the Fish would win the Series.”

Droppity, drop, drop, droppity, drop, drop,
Just five more outs the Cubs did need,
Droppity, drop, drop, droppity, drop, drop,
Instead they watched the Series on TV.

Ste-e-eve Bartman,
Knew all eyes were on him right now,
So he sank in his chair and he wouldn’t dare
To leave Wrigley Field alone.
Down to Cubs security,
With his cap covering his face,
And angry Cubs fans, hitting him with beer cans,
Calling him a big disgrace.

It wasn’t all, Alou’s dropped ball,
Nor the goat-curse, nor error at shortstop,
That started the eight-run Marlins rally
The Cubs just couldn’t stop.

Poor Ste-e-eve Bartman,
Had to hurry on his way,
Saying “Don’t blame me,
For the Cubs being unlucky,
For I’m moving to Flori-day.”

Droppity, drop, drop, droppity, drop, drop,
Florida’s giving Steve stuff for free,
Droppity, drop, drop, droppity, drop, drop,
He’s a hero to Marlins fans like you and me.

Some of you may wish to call an exterminator after this one…

Silverfish (sing to the tune of “Silver Bells”)

Dusty cabinets, cruddy countertops,
A home decked out like a pig sty,
In the air there’s a feeling of nausea.

Stacks of papers, dog and cat waste,
Breathing is an ordeal,
And in every corner you’ll see…

Silverfish, silverfish,
Cockroaches and flies throughout this house,
Silverfish, silverfish,
I think I just saw a big mouse.

Palmetto bugs, chewing the rugs,
Spray them as they fly by,
Scorpions and termites infest the roof.
Call pest control, call the tenters,
better still raze the house,
Because in every corner you’ll see…

Silverfish, silverfish,
Cockroaches and flies and maggots too,
Silverfish, silverfish,
I think I just saw a rat or two.

Are you dreaming of a white Christmas? Keep dreaming–unless you’re traveling north of Miami…

Green Christmas (sing to the tune of “White Christmas”)

I’m dreaming, of a green Christmas,
They are the only ones I know,
Where the palm trees rustle,
And children tussle,
On a front yard that’s totally devoid of snow.

I’m dreaming, of a green Christmas,
With every Christmas card I write,
May your days be merry and bright,
And let the people up north deal with Christmases that are white.

I’m dreaming, of a green Christmas,
We’ll mow the lawn on Christmas Eve,
While my friends up north,
Shovel snow, back and forth,
I’ll enjoy the outdoors in my short sleeves.

I’m dreaming, of a green Christmas,
My cards to friends will rub it in,
I’ll enjoy the balmy outdoors with a grin,
While my friends up north deal with snow up to their chins.