Get Stuffed, Turkey | November 2002


A few weeks after you get this, most of you will be celebrating Thanksgiving Day. I wish all of you a happy celebration.

While there are several ways in which we choose to celebrate Thanksgiving, none are more venerable, more time-honored, indeed, more sacred than… football and overeating. Yes, Thanksgiving is a holiday to celebrate the excess in life.

For some others of us–those who work but have the Friday after Thanksgiving off–it’s a great day to rub it in to our friends who have to work. You might try calling them at the office at 10 or so and saying something like, “Hey Judy, I just woke up, whatcha doin’?” Call Judy later when you get to the mall too, and ask for her advice on which color shoes or what DVD movie to buy. She’ll appreciate your respect for her advice and wisdom.

Going back to the excess thing… I can’t think of a better way to celebrate living in America than pigging out and then watching football. Especially if it’s a boring game. The turkey will knock you out and then all your friends and family can make fun of your snoring: “Haha, listen to Uncle Frank snore, he sounds like a chainsaw!” Or how about: “Mom, can I stick this feather up Uncle Frank’s nose?”

Yes, nothing like spending a holiday with your loving family, I tell you.

For those of you who hate football, I have a bit of important advice: pretend, for just one day, that you thoroughly enjoy it. Why, you ask?

It’s simple: those who don’t like football don’t have an excuse to sit down and watch the game. And those without an excuse to sit down and watch the game… usually get stuck washing all the dirty pots, pans and dishes (unless whoever’s house you’re at includes a dishwasher–and I’m referring to the appliance here, not a person).

Yep, there’s nothing like scrubbing a grease-filled pot when you’re already stuffed with turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, etc. to the point where you’re a little nauseous.

I’m sure you’ve been to all kinds of Thanksgiving Day celebrations and meals. I’ve been to some where there wasn’t enough food available to feed a tiny bird. Then I went to one once where the amount of food on the table was so much that no one could actually sit at the table. There was enough food left over after everyone ate to feed all the people in a small third world country for a week!

This wasn’t as pleasant as it sounds. The hostess absolutely INSISTED that everyone take some food home. At least enough to keep you in turkey and trimmings until, say, next Thanksgiving. And this was for EVERY person at dinner!

And not to knock her cooking, but, it was terrible. I had to say yes and then I immediately found a dumpster to dump the stuff in. I filled the dumpster, which was empty when I got to it. I felt bad about throwing the food away, but when I compared it to school cafeteria food, well, let’s just say it gave me yet another reason to wish I were a kid again.

I’m not much of a desserts person, I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, but one of my favorite traditional Thanksgiving Day foods is pumpkin pie. As a matter of fact, I’ll often get a few pies at the grocery store as soon as they’re available, just for my own enjoyment. Of course, what I want to know is, how did the pilgrims make their piecrusts so flaky?

After Thanksgiving this year–most years in fact–I’ll be extra glad about one thing in particular. That being of Cuban descent, I have an excuse to forgo a repetition of Turkey come Christmas. Not that I don’t like turkey, mind you, but by the time the middle of December comes around, I can’t gobble another forkful of any type of poultry, let alone turkey.