The Humorless Twit’s Annual Christmas-Holiday Song Parody Special | December 2002

 

In honor of the upcoming holiday season, I’ve decided to make up some holiday song parodies for this issue of Flamenco. Most of them are based on the unique way in which we in Miami celebrate the holidays. Enjoy and have some Happy Holidays!



Sometime in late October I walked into a chain drugstore–I won’t say which–and already they had Christmas decorations out. And it wasn’t even Halloween yet! Pretty soon, we’ll truly be seeing “Christmas in July.” In any event, this particular store had some singing doll that was droning on and on with “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” That inspired the following parody…

It’s Too Early for Christmas (Sing to the tune of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”)

It’s too early for Christmas
It’s too early for Christmas
It’s too early for Christmas
It’s not even Halloween

We’re decoratin’ in August
We’re decoratin’ in August
We’re decoratin’ in August
String lights on the trees

Good shopping to you
Bring all of your friends
Bring your MasterCard and Visa
Your credit won’t end
(Back to first verse)



This next one is dedicated to all you former Yankees whose blood hasn’t thinned out (yet)…

It’s Gonna Snow (Sing to the tune of “Let It Snow”)

Oh, the weather outside is frightful
A bone-chilling 65 degrees at nightfall
I’m shivering, I feel cold
I just know it’s gonna snow, it’s gonna snow

The Weather Channel says New York’s chilly
And there’s freezing rain in Philly
But in Miami, it feels like 40 below
It feels like snow, feels like snow, feels like snow

When it finally turns to night
It’ll hit 58 when it’s darker
I’ll be freezing my buns off all right
Even when I don mukluks and parka

Well, I turned the heater up higher
And I think my house is on fire
Don’t you tell me 55 isn’t cold



It’s bad enough trying to shop around the holidays, but trying to find a parking spot at one of the major malls? You d have better odds playing the lottery…

Stolen Parking Spot (Sing to the tune of “Sleigh Ride”)

Just hear those keys a-jingle-ing
Ring ting tingling too
Looks like that lady’s leaving
A parking spot open for you

There’re fifty cars behind you
But the one in front’s blinding you
He took your parking spot
And he’s even screaming at you

Rev it up, rev it up, rev it up, let’s go,
Let’s go run him down
That pitiful clown just stole your spot
Rev it up, rev it up, rev it up, let’s go
Score that one a hit
He’ll never again steal a parking spot from anyone else!



What would the holidays in Miami be like without Santeria?

Federico, the Santeria Man (Sing to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman”)

Federico, the Santeria man
Was a jolly happy soul
With a corncob pipe and dressed all in white
And two eyes as black as coal

Federico, the Santeria man
Believes a fairy tale they say
He has goats and chickens
And sometimes pigeons
And he says he’ll make the non-believers pay

There must have been black magic in
Those potions that he’d try
For when he put them on his enemies
They would all begin to cry
O
Federico, the Santeria man
Was as powerful as he could be
And his followers claim
That with just a name
He could put a hex on you or me

Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Look at Federico gloat
Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
He’s sacrificing a goat

Federico, the Santeria man
Knew the gods were angry that day
So he said, “Bring a statue of St. Lazarus
Now before I get called away”

Down to the botanica*
With a broomstick in his hand
Chanting here and there and everywhere
Saying “Catch me if you can”

He led them down the streets of town
Right to the courthouse steps
And he only paused a moment when
On a judge he placed a hex

For Federico, the Santeria man
Had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye
Saying “Don’t you cry
I’ll be back to curse someone someday”

Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
Federico s placing a spell
Thumpety thump thump
Thumpety thump thump
He just cursed someone to hell

*A botanica is a shop specializing in the paraphernalia of Santeria.



This next song parody is designed to make your friends in colder climes a little jealous, but I’d suggest waiting till January or February before sharing it with them…

Walking in South Florida Winter Land (Sing to the tune of “Winter Wonderland”)

Lawnmowers sing
Are you listenin’?
On the lawn
Grass clippings are glistenin’
A beautiful sight
80 degrees at night
Walking in South Florida winter land

Gone away is the T-Bird
Here to stay is the snowbird
He’s driving along
With turn signal on
Driving in South Florida winter land

On the beaches we can get a suntan
Then send pictures to our friends up North
We’ll ask “Are you jealous?” They’ll say “No man”
As they push their snow shovels back and forth

Later on in the water
As the sun gets even hotter
We’ll go for a swim
Don a mask and some fins
Swimming in South Florida winter land

On the beaches we can get a suntan
Stay out till our skin gets nice and brown
We’ll have lots of fun showing off our suntans
Especially to visitors from out of town

When it rains
Ain’t it thrillin’?
A cold front brings a slight chilling
At 50 degrees
And a light northern breeze
Living in South Florida winter land
Living in South Florida winter land
Living in South Florida winter land