Introducing the Humorless Twit | October 2001


Editor’s Note: In addition to the interview, there were a number of e-mails from friends and fellow Miami Mensa members we originally used for this month’s column. The e-mails are not being included here, just the brief introductory statement (which we have edited because it includes a statement soliciting items from readers via e-mail, to an e-mail address that no longer exists) and the interview.

Hello, fellow Miami Mensans. As you may recall from the last issue of Flamenco, Tom Ward is no longer writing our humor column, so I offered to do it. I had several ideas for how to proceed with my first column, but in all honesty it wasn’t easy to get into a funny mood after what happened to our country September 11th.

For that reason I want to dedicate this column to those who fell that day in New York, Washington, D.C. and Pennsylvania. I’ll never forget and I don’t think anyone alive today ever will.

This being my first column, I decided I’d introduce myself, let all of you know a little bit about me. Following this little notice is an interview of me done by an anonymous reporter (he’s too ashamed to sign his name to the interview).

Now, on to the interview…

We’re here today with one Frank Calderon, new humor columnist for the Miami-area Mensa newsletter, the Flamenco. And frankly, this reporter was surprised, indeed shocked, to learn of his selection. After all, we were under the impression the primary qualification for humor columnist was that the columnist be funny, not funny-looking.

So without further preamble, we present Frank Calderon.

Q: So, Mr. Calderon, where were you born?
A: Hospital.

Q: We meant, what city?
A: Hammond.

Q: And what state might that be in?
A: Indiana.

Q: Tell us in 50 words or so what your philosophy of life is.
A: Sleep.

Q: Just “sleep?” That’s it?
A: Yes.

At this point, we were getting a little frustrated with our subject‘s apparent reluctance to elaborate on his answers…

Q: Mr. Calderon, do you always answer questions with just one word?
A: Well… I don’t really; it depends on the question. For instance, I was once asked what the square root of pi was and I answered it to the ninth decimal place, then there was the time I was asked where my parents are from and, in the words of the person asking, “I asked him to break an egg and he told me how to bake a cake from scratch” and…

Q: (Interrupting) Mr. Calderon?
A: …so I just kept going…

Q: (Interrupting) Mr. Calderon?
A: …and I told him my parents came to this country to flee Fidel Castro’s tyranny and…

Q: (Interrupting) Mr. Calderon?!?!
A: Yes?

Q: I get your point! Now, could you please give us a little background on yourself?
A: Sure.

Q: Uh, Mr. Calderon?
A: Ha ha, I was just kidding. Okay, here goes. You already know where I was born, so on and so forth. We moved to Miami when I was seven and I’ve lived here ever since. I went to school in Miami and joined the Army after high school. I was stationed in Germany, the Sinai, Egypt, and Kentucky. After my four year stint was up, I went to Florida International University were I got my Bachelor’s in Communication and also played disc jockey on the college radio station.

That helped me get my first job in radio, and I’ve worked in radio, advertising and public relations since.

Q: When did you join Mensa?
A: Well, it was something I’d been meaning to do for a long time. So I finally took the plunge in 1996, I believe it was.

Q: Good… and what did you hope to do?
A: I wanted to associate with people who were obviously smart and hopefully shared the same warped sense of humor I have.

Q: Well, I haven’t seen it…
A: (Interrupting) What, the smart part, the sense of humor part or the warped part?

Q: Neither the humor part nor the smart part. Now the warped part….
A: Ha ha, funny.

So there you have it, we mean, him. Frank Calderon, new humor columnist for Flamenco. And I think I speak for the publication I work for when I say, better you than us.