Okay, I couldn’t help the hokey headline. You’ll see why in a minute (should you be in a masochistic mood, anyway).
After seeing all my other aunts fill in for me at one time or another, my Aunt Tabby decided it was her turn. After I told her no a million times, she threatened to tie me down and let her cats have at me (Aunt Tabby, as her name suggests, is the “crazy cat lady” of our family).
After I recovered from 15 minutes of laughter she upped the ante.
She said she’d tie me down and let her cats have at me… at HER house.
You see, she lets her 50-plus cats have the run of her house—and no one has been able to find a litterbox there since at least 1998.
That threat was all it took for me to give in and let her write my column this month. Even with my allergies, I can smell the stench emanating from her house at least a couple of blocks away. It’s hard to tell if she doesn’t have any neighbors because of the economy or the smell.
DEAR TABBY: My neighbor is the crazy cat lady of the neighborhood. Despite numerous warnings and citations from our association, the local authorities, etc., she continues to feed all the stray cats in our community. These cats come into my yard and tear up my formerly award-winning rose garden. All of my years of hard work have gone down the drain because of this woman and her cats. I am at my wit’s end. What can I do? FELINE-FREE IN FRESNO
DEAR FELON IN FRESNO: You’ve come to the wrong place for sympathy. You’re lucky you don’t live near me or I’d burn down your “precious” roses and let my cats poop on the ashes. Cats are God’s gift to the universe! They are superior to stupid flowers. Have you ever tried petting a rose? I bet you’d get pricked by a thorn. Serve you right, too.
DEAR TABBY: I love dogs. I’ve had a dog for as long as I can remember, going back to when I was a baby. I moved into a condominium a couple of years ago with my Yorkie, Sweetpea. I followed all of the community’s rules, crossed all the t’s, and dotted all the i’s. But recently, the condo association board passed a rule forbidding dogs. They refused to grandfather me in. I was rudely told I’d have to get rid of Sweetpea, or move out. I can’t afford to move and I refuse to get rid of Sweetpea, she’s my baby! Please help me! IN DEEP DOGGIE-DOO IN DALLAS
DEAR DUMBASS IN DALLAS: Get rid of the mutt and get a far more superior animal for a pet, a cat. Cats are much better than dogs any day of the week, and twice on Sundays. Cats are clean and besides, have you ever heard of anyone stepping in cat poop? (Twit’s note: I have, Aunt Tabby. I’ve been to your house before—and I had to… buy new shoes after my visit, let’s leave it at that.). If you insist on keeping that flea-bitten, mange-infested cur, then I suggest you start getting comfortable sleeping in your car.
There you have it, folks. My dear Aunt Tabby. All the class of an alley cat, combined with the snobbishness of a pampered, purebred feline.