The Humorless Twit’s Aunt Tabby Thinks She’s the Cat’s Meow | October 2010

Aunt Tabby

Okay, I couldn’t help the hokey headline. You’ll see why in a minute (should you be in a masochistic mood, anyway).

After seeing all my other aunts fill in for me at one time or another, my Aunt Tabby decided it was her turn. After I told her no a million times, she threatened to tie me down and let her cats have at me (Aunt Tabby, as her name suggests, is the “crazy cat lady” of our family).

After I recovered from 15 minutes of laughter she upped the ante.

She said she’d tie me down and let her cats have at me… at HER house.

You see, she lets her 50-plus cats have the run of her house—and no one has been able to find a litterbox there since at least 1998.

That threat was all it took for me to give in and let her write my column this month. Even with my allergies, I can smell the stench emanating from her house at least a couple of blocks away. It’s hard to tell if she doesn’t have any neighbors because of the economy or the smell.

Aunt Tabby
Dear Tabby

DEAR TABBY: My neighbor is the crazy cat lady of the neighborhood. Despite numerous warnings and citations from our association, the local authorities, etc., she continues to feed all the stray cats in our community. These cats come into my yard and tear up my formerly award-winning rose garden. All of my years of hard work have gone down the drain because of this woman and her cats. I am at my wit’s end. What can I do? FELINE-FREE IN FRESNO

DEAR FELON IN FRESNO: You’ve come to the wrong place for sympathy. You’re lucky you don’t live near me or I’d burn down your “precious” roses and let my cats poop on the ashes. Cats are God’s gift to the universe! They are superior to stupid flowers. Have you ever tried petting a rose? I bet you’d get pricked by a thorn. Serve you right, too.

DEAR TABBY: I love dogs. I’ve had a dog for as long as I can remember, going back to when I was a baby. I moved into a condominium a couple of years ago with my Yorkie, Sweetpea. I followed all of the community’s rules, crossed all the t’s, and dotted all the i’s. But recently, the condo association board passed a rule forbidding dogs. They refused to grandfather me in. I was rudely told I’d have to get rid of Sweetpea, or move out. I can’t afford to move and I refuse to get rid of Sweetpea, she’s my baby! Please help me! IN DEEP DOGGIE-DOO IN DALLAS

DEAR DUMBASS IN DALLAS: Get rid of the mutt and get a far more superior animal for a pet, a cat. Cats are much better than dogs any day of the week, and twice on Sundays. Cats are clean and besides, have you ever heard of anyone stepping in cat poop? (Twit’s note: I have, Aunt Tabby. I’ve been to your house before—and I had to… buy new shoes after my visit, let’s leave it at that.). If you insist on keeping that flea-bitten, mange-infested cur, then I suggest you start getting comfortable sleeping in your car.

There you have it, folks. My dear Aunt Tabby. All the class of an alley cat, combined with the snobbishness of a pampered, purebred feline.

Jun 132009

A potential shoe thief

A potential shoe thief

Imelda Marcos would be proud:

A fox has been unmasked as the mystery thief of more than 100 shoes in the small western German town of Foehren, authorities said Friday.

Mar 132009

Gladys aka Stinkydog

I’m saddened to report my dog Gladys–also known as “Stinkydog”–had to be put to sleep today.

I had adopted Gladys in late 2002 (read more about my dog Gladys here). Although I didn’t know her exact age, it was clear she was an adult the day I adopted her. My guesstimate is that she was about six years old or so when I adopted her.

Gladys had serious kidney failure so, after consulting with the vet, I agreed that the best course of action was to put an end to her suffering. I said goodbye and stayed with her to the very end.

Gladys, you will be missed…

Feb 232009

The February 2009 column is (actually, has been for a couple of weeks now) online now. Here’s a snippet:

Chili Dog (left) and Gladys, or Poopmeister I and Poopmeister II.

Chili Dog (left) and Gladys, or Poopmeister I and Poopmeister II.

Trying to medicate Chili Dog is as fun as, oh, having a root canal without anesthesia. Those of you with dogs know they quickly learn when you’re about to do something unpleasant to them so they go and hide. Chili Dog’s compact size (about the size of a large chihuahua) gives her many options for hiding.

The vet didn’t make my job any easier, either. The labels on the bottles for the already too small pills I have to give Chili Dog order me to give her “1/4” or “3/4” pill two or three times a day.

1/4? 3/4????? What the heck is that? By the time I finish cutting each pill first into two halves then into quarters, they crumble into white dust and I have to guess how much is a quarter pill. Oh, and did I mention only one of the pills is scored for purportedly “easier” cutting?

Nov 132007

Literally, in the case of this Indian man:

A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death — an act he believes cursed him — a newspaper reported Tuesday.

Here are some suggestions for where the happy couple should go on their honeymoon:

  • Dalmatia
  • Labrador
  • Chihuahua, Mexico
  • Yorkshire
  • Dog Town, Alabama
  • Doghouse Junction, California
  • Poopout Hill, California
  • Gnaw Bone, Indiana
  • Big Bone Lick, Kentucky
  • Dog Corner, Maine
  • Furry, Mississippi
  • Paw Paw, West Virginia
  • Bitche, France