The Humorless Twit’s Annual Holiday Song Parody Special–The Crabby Family “Sings” | December 2010

 
Aunt Crabby

Remember my last holiday song parody column? Yeah, me neither.

Well, brace yourself, this year it’s gonna get worse. You see, my aunts (who were introduced in the May 2007 Flamenco, which you can read online if your poor stomach can handle it at http://www.thehumorlesstwit.com/columns/2007/may2007/) have taken over this year for me. They all got together and threatened to send me a pack of underwear this Christmas. I mean, a pack of THEIR underwear.

Needless to say, I caved in and let them take over (with the sole concession that because Aunt Flabby has already had her own holiday song parody column, she’d be left out of this one). So, enjoy—if you can. Just try not to think too much about my aunts’ underwear…


My “Deere” Aunt Stabby gets us started…

Aunt Stabby

Aunt Stabby

I Ran Over Grandpa In a John Deere (sing to the tune of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”)

I ran over Grandpa in a John Deere.
He was walking home from a charity event Christmas eve.
He was dressed as that obnoxious Santa,
Which is someone I so totally don’t believe.

He’d been giving gifts to poor children,
The brats were putting on a show.
They carried on and wouldn’t shut the heck up,
So I plowed him down in the snow.

When they found him Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack,
He had grill marks on his forehead,
And really huge tractor tire marks on his back.


My Aunt Drabby gives us her spin on—what else?—Blue Christmas. Keep in mind she has a thick Eastern European accent.

The Humorless Twit's Aunt Drabby

Dour Christmas (Sing to the tune of “Blue Christmas”)

I vill have a dour Christmas visout you
I vill be so dour yust sinking about you
Decorations—no, vait, I don’t believe in decorations—on a green Christmas tree
Vait, I don’t believe in Christmas tree either, vhich is vhy you’re not here vis me

And vhen ze grey snowflakes start falling
Zat is vhen those dour memories start calling
You vill be doing alright vis your Christmas of vhite
But I vill be happy vis my dour Christmas

You vill be doing alright vis your Christmas of vhite
But I vill be surly, vis my dour Christmas


My Aunts Blabby and Gabby demonstrate their love for talking, and talking, and talking on this one…

The More Than Twelve Days of Talking, and Talking, and Talking… (sing to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”)

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A cellphone with nights and weekends free.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two land lines,
And a cellphone with nights and weekends free.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three unlimited call plans,
Two land lines,
And a cellphone with nights and weekends free.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four calling cards,
Three unlimited call plans,
Two land lines,
And a cellphone with nights and weekends free.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Five golden ringtones,
Four calling cards,
Three unlimited call plans,
Two land lines,
And a cellphone with nights and weekends free.

Twit’s note: if I don’t cut this song here, it’ll keep going until Christmas 2038.


As always, my Aunt Tabby indulges her spoiled cats—even in a holiday song…

Aunt Tabby

Oh Christmas Tree (Sing to the tune of… “Oh Christmas Tree”)

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree!
We love to climb your branches!
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
And swing from your hanging garland!

We love your lights, the icicles rock,
We use your base as our litterbox.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
We love to climb your branches!
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
And knock your ornaments to the ground!


Last but not least, it’s my “dear” Aunt Crabby…

Aunt Crabby

I’ll Be At Your Home This Christmas (Sing to the tune of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”)

I’ll be at your home for Christmas, nephew; (Twit’s note” Oh great, just what I needed!)
You can count on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree, plus lots of great food because I’m bringing Aunt Flabby with me. (Twit’s note: Double great! I think I’ll hide and not open the door.)

Christmas Eve will find me at your house nephew
Where, because you’re so cheap, no light gleams. (Twit’s note: I shut off the lights because Aunt Crabby leaves EVERY light on in the house, even through the night.)
I’ll be at your home for Christmas
If only in my dreams. (Twit’s note: And my nightmares…)

The Humorless Twit’s Aunt Tabby Thinks She’s the Cat’s Meow | October 2010

 
Aunt Tabby

Okay, I couldn’t help the hokey headline. You’ll see why in a minute (should you be in a masochistic mood, anyway).

After seeing all my other aunts fill in for me at one time or another, my Aunt Tabby decided it was her turn. After I told her no a million times, she threatened to tie me down and let her cats have at me (Aunt Tabby, as her name suggests, is the “crazy cat lady” of our family).

After I recovered from 15 minutes of laughter she upped the ante.

She said she’d tie me down and let her cats have at me… at HER house.

You see, she lets her 50-plus cats have the run of her house—and no one has been able to find a litterbox there since at least 1998.

That threat was all it took for me to give in and let her write my column this month. Even with my allergies, I can smell the stench emanating from her house at least a couple of blocks away. It’s hard to tell if she doesn’t have any neighbors because of the economy or the smell.


Aunt Tabby
Dear Tabby

DEAR TABBY: My neighbor is the crazy cat lady of the neighborhood. Despite numerous warnings and citations from our association, the local authorities, etc., she continues to feed all the stray cats in our community. These cats come into my yard and tear up my formerly award-winning rose garden. All of my years of hard work have gone down the drain because of this woman and her cats. I am at my wit’s end. What can I do? FELINE-FREE IN FRESNO

DEAR FELON IN FRESNO: You’ve come to the wrong place for sympathy. You’re lucky you don’t live near me or I’d burn down your “precious” roses and let my cats poop on the ashes. Cats are God’s gift to the universe! They are superior to stupid flowers. Have you ever tried petting a rose? I bet you’d get pricked by a thorn. Serve you right, too.

DEAR TABBY: I love dogs. I’ve had a dog for as long as I can remember, going back to when I was a baby. I moved into a condominium a couple of years ago with my Yorkie, Sweetpea. I followed all of the community’s rules, crossed all the t’s, and dotted all the i’s. But recently, the condo association board passed a rule forbidding dogs. They refused to grandfather me in. I was rudely told I’d have to get rid of Sweetpea, or move out. I can’t afford to move and I refuse to get rid of Sweetpea, she’s my baby! Please help me! IN DEEP DOGGIE-DOO IN DALLAS

DEAR DUMBASS IN DALLAS: Get rid of the mutt and get a far more superior animal for a pet, a cat. Cats are much better than dogs any day of the week, and twice on Sundays. Cats are clean and besides, have you ever heard of anyone stepping in cat poop? (Twit’s note: I have, Aunt Tabby. I’ve been to your house before—and I had to… buy new shoes after my visit, let’s leave it at that.). If you insist on keeping that flea-bitten, mange-infested cur, then I suggest you start getting comfortable sleeping in your car.


There you have it, folks. My dear Aunt Tabby. All the class of an alley cat, combined with the snobbishness of a pampered, purebred feline.

The Humorless Twit Es Bilingual | September 2010

 
Que Funny

In the shower one day (which is my second best place for thinking and coming up with my harebrained schemes brilliant ideas, I won’t tell you what my best place is other than to say it’s another bathroom fixture—which may go a very long way towards explaining this column, now that I think about it…), I noticed there was no soap. I called out to my wife, “Sweetie, can you reach me the soap?” As soon as I had blurted out that exact sentence I laughed out loud.

I had realized I was speaking in Spanglish to my wife, who as a British-Jamaican woman, doesn’t know a lick of Spanish (or Spanglish).

If you don’t know any Spanish, then you wouldn’t know the Spanish way to ask for someone to hand you some soap is to say “alcanzame el jabon.” Literally translated, this means “reach me the soap.” But its true meaning is “hand me the soap.”

Spanglish, for those of you who don’t know, is when someone who speaks both English and Spanish mixes up the two languages, often mid-sentence (sometimes, even mid-word!). Officially this practice is known as “code-switching.” I find myself doing this a lot, especialmente cuando yo hablo… oops, sorry, I mean especially when I speak to certain people, like my father for instance.

First- and second-generation Cuban- and other Hispanic-Americans, like myself, will often deliberately create the funniest possible constructs in Spanglish, to amuse ourselves. I worked at one place—for the record, the place no longer exists and I worked there very, very long ago—where many of my co-workers (who were also Cuban-Americans) and I would spend a great part of our days coming up with the most hilariously botched Spanish-language translations of American and British pop and rock songs you could imagine.

I’ll spare you all the hokey lyrics but if you don’t know any Spanish, trust me when I tell you “I am the eggman…” sounds funny as heck in Spanish (“yo soy el huevo-hombre…”).

Because Miami has such a large Spanish-speaking population, you’ll see many businesses catering to this population with signs and literature in Spanish. But because these businesses are located in the United States, they still have to keep one foot, as it were, in the English world. This sometimes results in unintentionally funny (to “Spanglish” speakers, anyway) placards and the like.

Photos of these unintentionally funny signs have made their way around the Internet, in much the same way as photos of hilariously translated signs (from Chinese or Japanese) have been posted on the funny and famous website Engrish.com (one of my favorite sites, by the way).

***WARNING! WARNING! SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT!***

This has inspired me to create yet another humor website. My latest time-wasting project features pictures of funny Spanish and Spanglish signs (à la Engrish.com). It’s called QueFunny.com (Spanglish.com was taken).

Enough self-promotion. Some of the funniest (to me and my smart-alecky mind, anyway) Spanglish and bungled Spanish translations can be found in restaurant menus. There was the time I saw what a resturant meant to translate as “apple pie” but read in spanish as “apple foot” (“pie de manzana,” “pie” meaning foot in Spanish). Then there was “fish macho style” (“pescado al macho”). Then there was “tongue in its own juice” (“lengua en su jugo”-you have to think about this one a bit to figure out why I found it funny).

I could continue but I’m starting to get hungry. I think I’ll have some old clothes with a side of Moors and Christians, dedos de señora for dessert, and I’ll wash it all down with a pitcher of bleeding.

The Humorless Twit Says “Study This” | Summer 2010

 
Scientist conducting a study

Scientist conducting a study

Every time a new “study” is reported in the news, you can bet your bottom dollar that another “study” contradicting it will come out shortly.

Every so often you’ll hear (or read or see) on the news about some new study on something or other released by some entity, most likely an entity you’ve never heard of before. I laugh when I see such news stories because invariably, some time later, we’ll hear about yet another study contradicting the first study. And so it goes.

Most recently, the news had on a story about a study that noted sleeping too little can shorten your life (by the way, for those of you who recall, I have a now one-year-old son I wrote about for last summer’s issue and as I write this, I had a measly three hours of sleep last night [which might explain this column…]).

That got me to thinking about all the other studies I’ve heard about in the past that claim if you engage in behavior A, your life will be shortened by X years (or Y percent). So I decided out of sheer boredom curiosity to see which of these supposedly life-shortening behaviors I take part in, and by how long my life will be shortened.

I found a few. Here they are:

– A study by Australian researchers found that for each hour a day you watch the boob tube, you increase your chances of dying from cardiovascular disease by 18 percent (for death by all causes it was 11 percent).

Eating red meat also shortens your life span (I couldn’t find by how much).

– A study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that children who experience six or more traumatic events during childhood live 19 years less than others (traumatic events were defined as abuse of various kinds and household dysfunction).

Four specific bad habits (Lord knows I have a lot more than four) can shorten your life by 12 years: smoking, drinking too much, inactivity and a bad diet. I won’t tell you which ones I do and which ones I don’t do, but let’s just say I’m in danger of losing six years of my life from this factor alone.

Being fat at 40 (I’m already past that stage) can shorten your life by three years, according to The Annals of Internal Medicine.

– I already mentioned that sleeping too little can cause you to go to sleep permanently at an earlier age. But sleeping too much—nine hours or more—is also supposedly dangerous: it increases your chances of an early death by 30 percent (ironically, this study was published by the same journal that published the “too little sleep causes early death” study mentioned before…)!

– Researchers in Toronto found that every hour you spend driving cuts 20 minutes from your life (thank goodness I only worked as a courier for one semester in college). No word on “extra bonus” minutes for the stress of driving in South Florida, though.

Bingeing (on food, presumably) followed by crash dieting (the so-called “yo-yo” effect) can cut your life by a whopping 25%!

Taking vitamin supplements can also reduce your lifespan; how much depends on which specific vitamin(s) you take.

I crunched some numbers to see how it all added up for me. And after taking a long nap, then downing a bacon double cheeseburger and a fistful of vitamin supplements while watching TV in my car and washing it all down with a triple vodka on the rocks, followed by a nice cigar, I came to a conclusion: based on all my bad habits and the amount of time by which each one can shorten your life, I never should have been born.

Which, if you’ve read this far, you probably wished were true.

NOTE: We originally credited the Journal of the American Medical Association with the study that noted being fat at 40 can shorten your life by three years. This study was actually published in The Annals of Internal Medicine. We regret the error.

May 142010
 
wmbw

Before we forget, just a little note to let you know we’ve updated the World’s Most Boring Website. We redesigned it–we know, it begs the question “Why would you want to redesign a boring website?”

We’ve added a ton more stuff to it, most notably, one of the most boring books we’ve ever tried unsuccessfully to read all the way through: War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy.