Jun 262011
 

Yeah, yeah, I know. “The Humorless Twit is behind the times.” Nyuk, nyuk. Okay. Well.

I’ve finally added the rest of the columns from 2010. Now it’s on to 2011…

The Humorless Twit’s Annual Holiday Song Parody Special–The Crabby Family “Sings” | December 2010

 
Aunt Crabby

Remember my last holiday song parody column? Yeah, me neither.

Well, brace yourself, this year it’s gonna get worse. You see, my aunts (who were introduced in the May 2007 Flamenco, which you can read online if your poor stomach can handle it at http://www.thehumorlesstwit.com/columns/2007/may2007/) have taken over this year for me. They all got together and threatened to send me a pack of underwear this Christmas. I mean, a pack of THEIR underwear.

Needless to say, I caved in and let them take over (with the sole concession that because Aunt Flabby has already had her own holiday song parody column, she’d be left out of this one). So, enjoy—if you can. Just try not to think too much about my aunts’ underwear…


My “Deere” Aunt Stabby gets us started…

Aunt Stabby

Aunt Stabby

I Ran Over Grandpa In a John Deere (sing to the tune of “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”)

I ran over Grandpa in a John Deere.
He was walking home from a charity event Christmas eve.
He was dressed as that obnoxious Santa,
Which is someone I so totally don’t believe.

He’d been giving gifts to poor children,
The brats were putting on a show.
They carried on and wouldn’t shut the heck up,
So I plowed him down in the snow.

When they found him Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack,
He had grill marks on his forehead,
And really huge tractor tire marks on his back.


My Aunt Drabby gives us her spin on—what else?—Blue Christmas. Keep in mind she has a thick Eastern European accent.

The Humorless Twit's Aunt Drabby

Dour Christmas (Sing to the tune of “Blue Christmas”)

I vill have a dour Christmas visout you
I vill be so dour yust sinking about you
Decorations—no, vait, I don’t believe in decorations—on a green Christmas tree
Vait, I don’t believe in Christmas tree either, vhich is vhy you’re not here vis me

And vhen ze grey snowflakes start falling
Zat is vhen those dour memories start calling
You vill be doing alright vis your Christmas of vhite
But I vill be happy vis my dour Christmas

You vill be doing alright vis your Christmas of vhite
But I vill be surly, vis my dour Christmas


My Aunts Blabby and Gabby demonstrate their love for talking, and talking, and talking on this one…

The More Than Twelve Days of Talking, and Talking, and Talking… (sing to the tune of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”)

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A cellphone with nights and weekends free.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two land lines,
And a cellphone with nights and weekends free.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three unlimited call plans,
Two land lines,
And a cellphone with nights and weekends free.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four calling cards,
Three unlimited call plans,
Two land lines,
And a cellphone with nights and weekends free.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Five golden ringtones,
Four calling cards,
Three unlimited call plans,
Two land lines,
And a cellphone with nights and weekends free.

Twit’s note: if I don’t cut this song here, it’ll keep going until Christmas 2038.


As always, my Aunt Tabby indulges her spoiled cats—even in a holiday song…

Aunt Tabby

Oh Christmas Tree (Sing to the tune of… “Oh Christmas Tree”)

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree!
We love to climb your branches!
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
And swing from your hanging garland!

We love your lights, the icicles rock,
We use your base as our litterbox.

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
We love to climb your branches!
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,
And knock your ornaments to the ground!


Last but not least, it’s my “dear” Aunt Crabby…

Aunt Crabby

I’ll Be At Your Home This Christmas (Sing to the tune of “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”)

I’ll be at your home for Christmas, nephew; (Twit’s note” Oh great, just what I needed!)
You can count on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree, plus lots of great food because I’m bringing Aunt Flabby with me. (Twit’s note: Double great! I think I’ll hide and not open the door.)

Christmas Eve will find me at your house nephew
Where, because you’re so cheap, no light gleams. (Twit’s note: I shut off the lights because Aunt Crabby leaves EVERY light on in the house, even through the night.)
I’ll be at your home for Christmas
If only in my dreams. (Twit’s note: And my nightmares…)

Sep 052010
 
Que Funny

Just posted the September 2010 column, The Humorless Twit Es Bilingual. Here’s a short excerpt:

Because Miami has such a large Spanish-speaking population, you’ll see many businesses catering to this population with signs and literature in Spanish. But because these businesses are located in the United States, they still have to keep one foot, as it were, in the English world. This sometimes results in unintentionally funny (to “Spanglish” speakers, anyway) placards and the like.

Photos of these unintentionally funny signs have made their way around the Internet, in much the same way as photos of hilariously translated signs (from Chinese or Japanese) have been posted on the funny and famous website Engrish.com (one of my favorite sites, by the way).

Jun 012010
 
Scientist conducting a study

We’ve just posted the Summer 2010 column, titled The Humorless Twit Says “Study This.” Here’s a little snippet:

Most recently, the news had on a story about a study that noted sleeping too little can shorten your life (by the way, for those of you who recall, I have a now one-year-old son I wrote about for last summer’s issue and as I write this, I had a measly three hours of sleep last night [which might explain this column…]).

That got me to thinking about all the other studies I’ve heard about in the past that claim if you engage in behavior A, your life will be shortened by X years (or Y percent). So I decided out of sheer boredom curiosity to see which of these supposedly life-shortening behaviors I take part in, and by how long my life will be shortened.

May 142010
 
wmbw

Before we forget, just a little note to let you know we’ve updated the World’s Most Boring Website. We redesigned it–we know, it begs the question “Why would you want to redesign a boring website?”

We’ve added a ton more stuff to it, most notably, one of the most boring books we’ve ever tried unsuccessfully to read all the way through: War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy.